tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-80732621196512555872012-01-27T20:16:41.256-08:00Watch while we attempt to magically transform this tiny sesame seed into a real live human childHanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.comBlogger1491100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-13212137224440982982012-01-24T16:53:00.000-08:002012-01-24T16:53:14.386-08:00

You know that fresh, clean bit of the new year, when it really feels like ages until you have to go back to work?  When you really do think this is the year you will get organised and do all those little things that need to be done?  Yep, well that bit is definitely gone.  And I'm afraid that all the blog posts that were on my list of things to be done have evaporated into thin air - chewed up by

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-70080159767853165012011-12-20T20:38:00.000-08:002011-12-20T20:38:49.371-08:00

I don't know if this was torturing myself, but I got the idea in my head that I would buy some Christmas things to donate to the giving tree at work.  The instructions said to label the gifts with the age and (if appropriate) gender of the child the gift would be suitable for.  Here, let me imagine a hypothetical child who I wish I was buying a Christmas gift for.  She's about to turn two, and

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-53759420514314499332011-12-10T03:45:00.000-08:002011-12-10T03:45:34.551-08:00

I'm still here, but have gone quiet for a bit.  It is so hard to capture everything going on at the moment.  I'm at that funny stage where some people will look pointedly at my middle and say, "Are you....?" and I'll have to confess, Yes, Pregnant, while others are still surprised when I tell them.  Either way, there is a lot of telling going on, because being the blathermouth that I am, I'm not

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-6514640718598964002011-11-15T15:16:00.000-08:002011-11-15T15:16:25.716-08:00

I'm taking my title from Ann (Harvey & Dot's mum) and her comment to me on this post.                                                            (image from here) Good strong knicker elastic is indeed what I need - the kind that keeps your favourite saggy pair going until the holes make them  too rude to wear.  Persistence and strength in its most domestic and vernacular form.  Adzuki gave us a

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-78805188712542454292011-11-09T15:06:00.000-08:002011-11-09T15:06:34.225-08:00

I'm slightly late, but wanted to say something about the Day of the Dead, especially given Angie's beautiful piece over at Glow. I like Bionic Baby Mama's idea that wherever not-yet-born babies "are", spiritually speaking, they are probably in a similar spot as dead people, or are at least more able to get phone reception when the dead people call than we are.  So the Day of the Dead feels like

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-60050178749028180742011-10-25T01:43:00.000-07:002011-10-25T01:43:49.575-07:00

Oh, the posts that have been floating around my head!  Sadly, I've had to direct my energy into marking two batches of 120 assignments - urk.  Meanwhile, my head is spinning with missing Z and being tentatively excited / worried for Adzuki, and alternately feeling guilty for letting doubt creep into this new pregnancy.  Things seem to be going well.  We had another scan at 8 weeks, and there was

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-31847588579802916112011-09-23T14:55:00.000-07:002011-09-23T14:55:51.339-07:00

Once upon a time, on that other planet I lived on before our baby died, I was an ordinary pregnant lady who had a little bit of an obsession for red bean buns.   I loved them so much that I had long conversations with El Prima about why I loved them so much, and why Haloumi demanded that I eat them on a regular basis.  I googled "red bean bun" so that I could discover their principal ingredients.

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com22tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-72692401295331870682011-09-19T16:36:00.000-07:002011-09-19T16:36:53.215-07:00

Thank you so much for all the whooping and dancing on our behalves - each little comment I got through my email made me think - Ooh, maybe this really might be happening after all! I've been on a blog moratorium while I finished writing a presentation for work - it is so hard to focus when my brain is going around in little circles like an excited puppy: "Hmm - I wonder if I'm still pregnant? 

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-53506639716754750472011-09-08T20:05:00.000-07:002011-09-08T20:05:30.443-07:00

Because sometimes they are WRONG!! Blood test showed HCG 539.    And then the nurse told me two completely improbable dates - 23 September for a scan to confirm a heartbeat, and 16 May 2012 as an estimated due date.  I very nearly said, "Ha ha, as if!" but that would have been rude.  And also showing very little faith in this tenacious little embryo's persistence.  Oh, it is so so lovely to be

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com31tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-79464492056664072452011-09-07T16:46:00.000-07:002011-09-07T16:46:27.906-07:00

Not even a shadow of a second line.  Official blood test is tomorrow, so I really should hold off on the gnashing of teeth until then.  And this... ? This is the rock I found for Z's little garden.  I went rock-selecting last week at a landscape gardening supplies place, and as I wandered around the piles of slate and mountains of gravel I liked this one because I saw it as a little elephant

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-29319284290805811352011-09-06T16:46:00.000-07:002011-09-06T16:46:58.062-07:00

The lab promised to send me a letter telling me whether any of the other 8 embryos made it to blastocyst stage in order to be frozen.  When it hadn't arrived after a week, I was worried that perhaps none of them had survived long enough to freeze.  So yesterday, I made the call, and asked the nurses to tell me - two six-day embryos frozen!  Whatever else happens with this cycle, I'm taking that

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-79024464176897963452011-08-29T04:44:00.000-07:002011-09-07T02:05:08.742-07:00

Apologies for blog silence - I'm here, but just not feeling terribly verbal. I think this photo kind of sums up the mood - whimsical old (slightly rusty) grater with a wonky handle and a goofy grin in the sunshine through the kitchen window.  "Why yes, my handle might fall off at any moment, and yet small things, such as the smile-like turn of my cheese-slicer, still lighten my heart".  I'm

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-74603220878796182272011-07-25T16:56:00.000-07:002011-07-25T16:56:17.835-07:00

1. This: Spring is inexorably on its way. The hairy tree roots down in this hole of mine are starting to come to life. 2. You lot. 3. El Prima sending me pictures of camellia trees bursting into flower like popcorn. 4. An afternoon with P and baby A yesterday - I love that in the one visit I can bounce around my current ideas for the conference paper I am writing with P,

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-92180704545856133432011-07-23T00:20:00.000-07:002011-07-23T00:20:20.050-07:00

There's a special art to running through crowded city streets.  Speed up, sideways step, watch for a gap.  My heart expands to knock at my ribs and nearly bowl over the people in my path, until I'm all heart - messy, beating, puffing and suddenly seeing all these messy human hearts around me.  A woman sees me running towards her and fear blanks across her face briefly - she looks wildly

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-37046789933114002142011-07-17T19:18:00.000-07:002011-07-17T19:18:08.032-07:00

Your poems and thoughts are handwritten on bits of paper and stuck with stickytape to the shelves around my desk, radiating warmth and giving me a fierceness to face the dementors.  I feel like a bower bird, collecting shiny things and brightly coloured objects, building a little nest for hope to come home to.  Thank you so much for all these small gifts - already I feel stronger and braver and

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-68505942178089487982011-07-11T01:07:00.000-07:002011-07-11T01:07:45.441-07:00

The greyness has got its hands on me, dragging on every piece of clothing, slowing my brain. And even better, when I look around and ask why thing are so low and heavy at the moment, the greyness answers back (in my own voice) - it's YOU - just boring, sad, can't get anything right old YOU. Sad little tried-to-have-a-baby-but-lost-her, who-knows-if-she'll-have-another-one,

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-61341743349469885462011-06-13T04:59:00.000-07:002011-06-13T04:59:53.845-07:00

I've kind of been hiding, feeling a bit sheepish, because although the last post I wrote was very true at the time, all my own optimism and philosophising feels very hollow now. I'd weathered our BFN from our last ivf cycle reasonably well, and was just relieved that we at least got a clear answer this time. But then I got some tricky work news a week ago and suddenly the bubble burst and

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-79009713173597291412011-05-25T16:58:00.000-07:002011-05-25T17:57:20.327-07:00

I love Angie's idea for this project - of putting a pin on our own specific grief maps and saying, "this is where I am now", "this is what the terrain looks like around here, this far away from the epicentre". So here is my terrain: still bumpy, lots of debris, but we're making a road here, starting to clear a path. I have to be careful with this metaphor - I don't know that I want to describe

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com29tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-14555744463122544622011-05-21T16:06:00.000-07:002011-05-21T17:39:02.630-07:00

After Z died, once the reality started closing in and I was able to start understanding her death distinct from all the trauma of the accident, the thing that made me choke with fear and sadness the most was this idea of no more Z. I thought, that's it. My whole relationship with my daughter was over and done with before it had hardly started. 37 photos, some inky foot and handprints, a tiny

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-34100334657315188042011-05-15T21:10:00.000-07:002011-05-16T00:50:27.655-07:00

Seven little soap-bubbly cells is what we saw yesterday morning on the microscope screen when we went for our transfer. It was more uncomfortable than last time - I could feel the catheter poking about as our doctor found the right spot / angle, but he was lovely and gave me and El Prima a genuine good-luck shoulder squeeze before we left. I'm doing my best to stay with each new moment - and my

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-66125374482237316032011-05-08T03:50:00.001-07:002011-05-08T06:05:30.995-07:00

It had to happen eventually. My 09-10 tax return has been sitting there glowering at me, waiting for me to pull out all the pieces of paper and play with spreadsheets. Tonight, I've finally started to wrestle it. I was expecting the urges to procrastinate, the frustrations with having no filing system since we moved to Melbourne (the filing cabinet which I'd just gotten organised before we

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-5927131543387704202011-05-01T19:51:00.000-07:002011-05-01T21:02:50.477-07:00

There has been much punching of the air in the last 2 minutes around here - not only was yesterday day 1, but I finally got a call from someone at the Womens telling me that the genetic testing has come back, and PLB was definitively NOT a molar pregnancy. (oh PLB. I wish I was hypothesising about who you might be rather than celebrating the fact of something you weren't) If it feels windy

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-39567245337857101612011-04-05T15:34:00.000-07:002011-04-05T18:50:07.274-07:00

I'm still picking myself up after being bitch-slapped by last week. Partly, the telling is too exhausting, partly I'm now very wary of telling because of events at work last week. In dot points:- diagnosed via a letter? Or maybe not. Seems to have been a hospital mistake...- mucked up a work thing. Then made it worse. To the point that I've now been told my duties have been changed. Yes,

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-30359911095775565572011-03-28T18:44:00.000-07:002011-03-28T19:05:19.630-07:00

I was gearing up for a cheery post about having El Prima's family (or rather, 7 of them) stay at our place over the weekend, and how lovely it was that her sister mentioned the accident, and said she was so sorry we'd lost our baby. This was the first time I'd seen them since mid 2009 (though El Prima and the girls had visited them in Sydney a few times since we'd moved), so I was very nervous

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-45911007904798283532011-03-16T15:41:00.000-07:002011-03-22T04:25:08.816-07:00

(detail from Frida Kahlo, Henry Ford Hospital, image from here)Thank you so much darling ones. For the hugs and the donkeys balls and the love and light and thoughts, stories, your own tears - all of it. I'm so sad that so many of you know what this pain feels like (and that some are experiencing very similar losses at the moment too). It makes such a difference to know that others are cussing

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-38985956493029960722011-03-15T03:44:00.001-07:002011-03-15T04:04:13.183-07:00

This morning's scan showed not much more than Thursday's - the beginnings of a yolk sac, but nothing more, and the gestational sac itself was way behind the size it should be by now. This means (according to our doctor) that it's a blighted ovum, "though that doesn't mean there was anything wrong with your eggs", he added helpfully. So what now? Wait to miscarry naturally, or a suction

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com48tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-41974804852841135212011-03-09T20:02:00.000-08:002011-03-10T03:06:21.358-08:00

I'm back in bed on a day when I should be teaching after some scary bleeding yesterday. I'm trying to think of how I can convey 'scary' without grossing people out too much. And having been this scared in the last 24 hours, I don't really want to put others through the same fear. We've just had another scan showing that the PLB is still in there (yay! though a fetal pole hasn't magically

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-79504611901978694262011-03-07T18:22:00.001-08:002011-03-07T18:32:39.468-08:00

Inconclusive!Yes, there is a lovely little fetal sac. (hurrah!)Yes, it is in the uterus, where it should be. (whoo hoo!)Can we see a fetal pole / fetus / heart beat / tiny spongebob squarepants? Um... no.According to our doctor (who did the scan - yay for not having to wait for the technician to send results through) this isn't as bad news as it could be, because it may just be consistent

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com27tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-41023864583189553052011-03-02T13:16:00.000-08:002011-03-02T14:09:39.800-08:00

These are the things I would love to believe mean something:- half-waking, trying to get comfortable in bed and thinking, "ow, boobs!".- extreme 'right now or I'll eat your head' hunger mixed in with queasiness.- having to get up in the night to pee.Is my hope playing tricks on me? Meanwhile, I just continue to hum my vague little 'who knows, who knows' song.-----Sydney is so thick with 'before'

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-15355996903083449212011-03-01T13:58:00.000-08:002011-03-01T15:51:25.755-08:00

Around the time of our second BFN last year, El Prima and I turned up to our local SANDS meeting (stillbirth and neonatal death support) to find that every other couple, bar the convenors, was pregnant, including the ones who'd only started coming the month before. Better still, I found out that the psychologist who had urged me to wait a year before trying to get pregnant again, was herself

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-57666721050866474312011-02-27T18:20:00.000-08:002011-02-27T19:35:52.294-08:00

As promised...This morning's number was 630! And although it was the same Nurse Realistic, she was much more upbeat this time. She's spoken with my doctor, and he didn't see any need for a further blood test, just a scan in a week's time. When I started with my confused/excited, "So this might mean that it may actually be viable?", she did get all realistic on me, saying, "With all early

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com26tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-57134985153547095572011-02-27T14:46:00.000-08:002011-02-27T15:05:04.651-08:00

and now I'm just so impatient to know what is happening. I had fretful dreams of dodgy hotel rooms where one room connected to another and another and another. I kept waking up, thinking it was time to get up and go in for my blood test, even though it was 3, 4, 5am. I think a little bit of hope has got under my skin, and with it, the fear that it will be dashed. In some way, I'm terrified

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-8448351044685649392011-02-24T20:44:00.000-08:002011-02-24T21:16:26.256-08:00

Okay, so today's blood test (20DPO) showed a hcg level of 201. This time, I got the call from the specialist early pregnancy nurse. She asked me again about the bleeding, I explained that it had been heavy, like a normal period. That it had stopped now. Nurse: "It's clear that there has been implantation, and that you've got pregnancy hormones being produced, it's just that those levels are

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-5935111237426739692011-02-21T18:22:00.001-08:002011-02-22T03:22:51.253-08:00

This is just getting a bit embarrassing. I have to have another blood test on friday - they still don't really know what is going on. This morning's result was 78 - higher than saturday's, but too low to be viable (especially given the bleeding). So the range of possibilities has narrowed to two. The nurse explained that either the embryo implanted for a while, but then (maybe saturday or

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-3618368659751502732011-02-18T16:38:00.000-08:002011-02-18T17:23:38.026-08:00

Now I'm just confused. I had my blood test this morning and it was a faint positive...?!? HCG of 37. Which I think is low-ish for day 14dpo, but still positive. Given the bleeding, I really can't see how a little embryo could still be in there, but who knows. I go for another blood test tuesday morning. Until then, I don't know. My gut feeling is that it will be negative by then, but I

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com27tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-3826265032373865402011-02-16T21:43:00.000-08:002011-02-16T21:46:46.806-08:00

The plan was, that if my period hadn't showed up by friday, then we'd test again first thing friday morning. But looks like we won't have to waste another test - I've had some bleeding today, more than just spotting, so I reckon we're out of the race. Gah. I'm kind of numb about it - I got in early and did my crying and gnashing of teeth on Tuesday. Now I just feel silly for believing that

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com21tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-88055953626943258842011-02-14T15:19:00.000-08:002011-02-14T15:45:55.844-08:00

I had a very vivid dream that El Prima and I were in a truck with two blokes. I was driving but it was very difficult to see because for some reason, the driver's seat was behind the back seats of the cab, and the truck was up so high. The two guys were sitting in front of El Prima & I - their heads were in my way, so I couldn't see the road. I was trying to drive along a narrow driveway in a

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com21tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-81603774373705012182011-02-13T03:18:00.001-08:002011-02-13T17:24:18.356-08:00

And our baby rose bushes are in full bloom again. I know I sat there, our our porch, hiding behind the rose bushes and planning Z's memorial, but it feels very distant. In amongst the buzz of our first IVF cycle, I'm glad we had time to go and visit Z's little spot, and take her some of the new roses. Everything feels very quiet now - waiting to see what will happen.

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-26528158902374075832011-02-07T13:56:00.000-08:002011-02-07T22:57:47.020-08:00

It has been a big week, but in amongst the cyclone drama, being 'harvested' and taking a little embryo on board, something went missing.All that bravado, energy, confidence (and along with it, my ability to concentrate and engage at work) is just gone. I was feeling so sparkly and amazing a week and a half ago, now not so much.I hardly feel fit for walking down the street, let alone having a '

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-44465233507813340822011-02-06T19:51:00.000-08:002011-02-06T20:02:18.648-08:00

Of the 12 eggs, 10 were mature, 6 of those fertilised, 4 kept growing. One (apparently the 'best looking' one)* was transferred, the other three, the clinic will try to freeze. We saw the one we transferred on the screen - it looked like this:Two even little cells. Which may now be wandering around somewhere in my uterus - really, we have no idea, and we just have to get used to that state of

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-82975053131095568412011-02-04T20:50:00.001-08:002011-02-04T21:10:13.414-08:00

Twelve follicles & a dozen lovely little eggs. Not organic, not with all those ivf drugs, and not really free range, since they'll soon be getting a rather forcible ICSI-style introduction to some spermy boyfriends, but still, twelve little spheres of potential. The procedure itself was no big drama - whatever sedative they used is nice & cruisey (but doesn't make for very proficient typing :)

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-65097562523333722952011-02-02T19:30:00.000-08:002011-02-02T20:08:13.276-08:00

You know that feeling, when you think, perhaps my life is a little *too* exciting? Thankfully my mum and brother & sister-in-law all weathered Cyclone Yasi well in Cairns - it hit hardest further south, where buildings in Tully and Innisfail were demolished. I think it'll be some time before the full damage is known. Between them, my mum and bro have now escaped the 2008 Black Saturday

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-59254512223364773032011-02-01T16:31:00.001-08:002011-02-01T16:50:48.778-08:00

I was doing so well getting comfortable with uncertainty (ha ha), and then I got a text from my sister-in-law. The cyclone we thought would miss them is now heading almost directly for Cairns, where she lives, with my brother, and with my mum nearby. It has been upgraded to category 5 - which puts it in the ranks of hurricane Katrina. My brother was at sea (he works on dive boats on the great

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-86044164033543637812011-01-31T17:04:00.000-08:002011-01-31T17:42:22.568-08:00

At this morning's scan, there were about twelve follicles in bud. I'm sure that's not the technical term, but I like the idea of being in bud, like the branch of a plum tree, even if it is a chemically-induced harvest. The buds above are from a Cannonball tree in Cairns, where I've been visiting my mum, brother & sister in law. Aside from growing amazing 'cannonball' like fruits, their

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-23099291087039567252011-01-27T19:56:00.000-08:002011-01-29T03:40:58.983-08:00

I’ve just had a week volunteering at a camp for 16-18 year old girls. This camp is the place where Z’s ashes are buried, in a beautiful bush chapel where you can hear the waves crash and birds call above. (Z's paper plane flying upwards into the trees above the bush chapel)It was a busy week, but I woke up early to do my ivf injections, and afterwards, I’d go for a little walk on the beach and

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-23272025839434558022011-01-11T23:04:00.000-08:002011-01-12T00:38:20.601-08:00

(Andy Goldsworth, Sticks in cobweb Wales? May 1980, from here via the lovely Lis)Recently, I've started feeling queasy about my own hope in the same way that I do with really corny advertising. It doesn't feel true. I know from experience that hopes can be shattered, even when you are being cagey, trying not to hope too much. I know at some level, that is why I hadn't finalised a name for

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com25tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-71179113706441440632011-01-10T01:22:00.000-08:002011-01-10T02:40:02.750-08:00

We've been back from Tasmania for a week exactly, but I've felt untethered and confused about what to do next. It was like I'd fallen off the edge of the map I'd made for myself. All that planning and booking and making tabulated itineraries for our travels, and then ... nothing.* Or, nothing except those dates on the calendar, which burn through from last year. It didn't help that my phone

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-34861580172582875392010-12-16T16:59:00.000-08:002010-12-16T23:02:14.489-08:00

**thank you so much for all your good wishes and encouragement for our imminent rumpusing! It was a good reminder of why I shouldn't hide away too long from this lovely place and you lovely people.**This is a new sensation I've discovered in the past few months - "the hard swallow". It happens when I'm driving, and see a 4WD coming towards me, or when I see a baby and try to estimate - 11 or 12

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-46699759941845614472010-12-12T16:57:00.000-08:002010-12-12T18:23:31.727-08:00

(Image from here: http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2010/04/06/2865005.htm)I've been hiding from the whole Christmas thing, and hiding my head here too. It has been a rough couple of weeks. The anxiety truck has hit me like I've never experienced before - building up from an incident a few weeks ago when I was driving and a car very nearly hit us head-on again, but swerved and didn't touch us,

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-45280579080768822402010-11-22T04:24:00.000-08:002010-11-22T06:13:34.269-08:00

There are so many things I've been wanting to say - mostly thank you so much for saying lovely things about our khallila (little darling) Z and her photo. I want so much more from that little face, but I know the hankering doesn't do me (or her) any good. "I love you just the way you are, my darling" - I guess that is the bit of parenting that I still aspire to - loving without being pushy,

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-51289417627896200952010-11-09T15:01:00.000-08:002010-11-09T17:41:28.647-08:00

Our gorgeous baby girl made the news again yesterday. I knew there would be some media, but I didn't realise that it was unusual for people to read their own victim's impact statements. And I didn't mean to make the judge cry.It certainly didn't feel "brave". It felt like the relief when your ears pop as the plane goes up and the pressure equalises in your head. The main difference is that

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com28tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-79904097819021295082010-10-31T04:06:00.000-07:002010-10-31T06:25:09.383-07:00

It's been a very intense couple of weeks, and finally, I've finished teaching for the semester (and for the year!) so I'm taking my therapist's advice and taking a week off work. We've got the sentencing hearing coming up in early November, and writing up my victim impact statement and supporting the girls and El Prima while they write theirs is about the only 'must do' thing on my list for next

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-68968535972271616142010-10-26T14:52:00.000-07:002010-10-26T15:14:14.228-07:00

Scene: toilet cubicle, pub. I'm rummaging in my handbag.Me (to body) : So what was that about, all that nausea? Body: (shrugs shoulders in a sulky way)Me: I mean, I still feel green and spewy. Should I be seeing a gastroenterologist?Body: Maybe it's in your head.Me: Oh - in *my* head? Physical symptoms?Body: (shrugs again) Even after a negative test result you wouldn't believe it.Me: I took it 4

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com19tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-844894169662760262010-10-19T20:02:00.000-07:002010-10-19T21:24:55.744-07:00

Yep, that is the speed that sperm can swim through an aqueous medium. That alone should tell you how productive I have been today. I know I'm torturing myself, but the issue is, we had insems on 9 and 10 october, but then I had EWCM (if you don't know what that means, it is probably for the best) on the 12th and then a postive LH test on the 13th, indicating that ovulation would happen within

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com20tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-71917737708861045462010-10-11T03:35:00.000-07:002010-10-11T04:48:13.185-07:00

It was well past midnight when we finally got home from our flight from Sydney after our weekend of "baster-related" activities. El Prima was exhausted, and went straight to bed, and I meant to, but I kept coming back to the lucky 10c piece which we'd found yesterday (on the lucky date of 10/10/10). I'd spent Saturday afternoon with a dear friend who is doing IVF, and had an embryo transfer on

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com19tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-63329059214867200702010-10-03T22:33:00.000-07:002010-10-05T15:45:25.813-07:00

EDITED TO ADD: **oops. I didn't mean to publish this as a post at all, only to save it somewhere before I posted it as a comment at Jess' blog, After Iris, in response to her brilliant discussion on what a "good birth" means for dead baby mamas. But since I stuffed up, I may as well leave it here, and extend the conversation. Is there such thing as a "good" birth when your baby dies? **I was

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-67250813066195681552010-09-27T05:21:00.000-07:002010-10-05T16:01:30.247-07:00

We've been off to the Agricultural Show with the lovely baybeasts ladies and their gorgeous family - including one nanna, and a Jinny-in-arms. Amidst the flashing lights of the rides, the softness of sleeping calves, and press of human traffic, we were accompanied the whole way by Huey's laughter, Arlo's questions, and the occasional "quack" from Jinny. Such a good remedy for a weary week,

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-61555859130136072812010-09-19T19:11:00.001-07:002010-09-19T19:21:13.437-07:00

I have an arsenal of things to make it better. I found some new weapons for the armory on Friday, when I discovered that the song I had in my head on Thursday, the rhythm which pushed me through the cross-examination and over to the other side was Clare Bowditch's modern day addiction. Please, go listen to it here, and tell me how good it is! The fact that she sang on Q&A makes it even

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-58049803356536828202010-09-19T01:48:00.001-07:002010-09-19T19:29:26.472-07:00

The night before the hearing I went to yoga, and we did the warrior two pose (it looks like this ) and I stared along my outstretched arm and middle finger as though I had magic laser eyes, able to bore into the back of any given lawyer's skull. And I felt strong, even though that glare isn't quite strong enough to push a hurtling 4WD out of your path (I tried that, as well as various other

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-82584755175835860392010-09-14T16:39:00.001-07:002010-09-14T16:40:16.728-07:00

I was nearly four years old when Azaria Chamberlain disappeared. The controversy surrounding her mother, Lindy Chamberlain, who was accused of murdering nine week old Azaria, formed such a interwoven part of the cultural carpet of growing up in Australia in the 1980s, that it took me a while to realise, first, what an extraordinary woman Lindy Chamberlain is and second, that I now have

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-41080182245466031412010-09-12T23:41:00.000-07:002010-09-13T00:21:57.487-07:00

Okay, that is probably a bit melodramatic, but we're out of the baby-making game again for this month. Yes, our clinic does allow you to take home frozen sperm for an at-home insem;yes, they understand that trying again is a huge part of our emotional recovery;yes, there would be enough sperm...But no, you can't have it, because in order to use sperm for a take-home insem, the donor must have

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-87104603696454396412010-09-08T22:46:00.000-07:002010-09-08T23:05:18.148-07:00

After leaving another message with the private rooms of Dr NSFU*- mentioning that even though I may not be her private patient, she has nonetheless made a decision delaying our treatment which I would like to talk to her or another doctor about;- explaining that the clinic had not called me back after numerous messages; and- saying the magic words "Health Services Commissioner"...I got a call

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-41643230447000103942010-09-07T21:31:00.001-07:002010-09-07T22:10:07.530-07:00

I don't like Patience. Not the word, not the f***ing awful Bon Jovi song, not the concept. Maybe the flower? Oh wait - that's impatiens - much more my style.But I thought I was doing an okay job of being all philosophical and willing to deal with our clinic delaying IUI treatment for another month. And okay, so it turns out freezing techniques do terrible things to our donor's samples, so our

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-87838490204042372452010-09-01T21:03:00.000-07:002010-09-01T21:17:41.459-07:00

I rang my sister the other day. It went a bit like this:Me: "blah blah about stuff in my life blah"Sister: "I know, I've been reading your blog."Me: "oh - you have? You secret squirrel you! blah blah what a lovely sister you are but how come you never comment blah."I've had similar conversations with a few other friends. It does feel nice, to know that loved ones are reading, and have a bit

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-5559473309564172542010-09-01T01:08:00.000-07:002010-09-01T05:36:55.177-07:00

This is my little measure of the good and the bad days - the ratio of coping: not coping time. The not coping has been kicking my arse lately. I have no hesitations about weeping on public transport these days.So I've had to rely heavily on the campus ducks and cockatoos - they do a fabulous job at cheering me up on the way in / out of work.But watching spring happen in the garden helps too.

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-88754274903935277012010-08-29T17:09:00.000-07:002010-08-29T17:26:03.591-07:00

Friday was the 27th - eight months since our accident. I was trying to figure out why it felt so much harder than seven months. We were in Singapore at the seven month mark, and somehow felt like we were "on holiday" from the grief. I'd just given my conference paper and we had a little holiday ahead of us. I felt close to Z, but the grief felt distant, smoother. Eight months isn't half a

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-2675254270429389072010-08-25T17:00:00.000-07:002010-08-25T17:57:22.442-07:00

(Photo by Rober McKechnie)This Bookbook owl in our local paper made my morning. Look at those eyes!It feels like spring is coming, like something is lifting. I love Anne's phrase that she is "ready to bloom again". Me too, soon, I hope.

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-86107021687360369732010-08-15T17:21:00.000-07:002010-08-15T17:46:10.697-07:00

I was so ready to step from the grief rollercoaster onto the TTC (trying to conceive) rollercoaster, or, more realistically, to try some Evil-Kenevil feat of riding both rollercoasters at once. And we'd been working with our clinic since march to try to make sure that could happen in August. August is the month which has been dragging me through, pulling me forward through the treacle. So when

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-40593948312305352162010-08-04T19:39:00.000-07:002010-08-15T18:04:08.279-07:00

I've been on a hiatus, but it has been a good one. When I started work in April, I made a ridiculous commitment to give a paper at a conference at the end of july. I'd drafted the proposal for the paper back in November, in that other life I had, pre-accident, thinking, perhaps Haloumi would be ready to travel overseas at 6 months so that she could accompany El Prima and I to the conference.

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-76318427582990300212010-07-15T20:44:00.000-07:002010-07-15T20:52:12.949-07:00

here's what I've caught and dragged home this time. This from Catherine, a poem from her daughter Olivia's memorial service:The EndIt is time for me to go, mother; I am going.When in the paling darkness of the lonely dawnyou stretch out your arms for your baby in the bed,I shall say, “Baby is not there!”–mother, I am going.I shall become a delicate draught of air and caress you;and I shall be

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-54682404312235348652010-07-14T17:29:00.000-07:002010-07-14T18:38:46.892-07:00

Two hospital rooms, twenty six years apart. In one, I learned to read. Not to spell out letters or say the words - I'd learnt how to do that at school. But to read - to breathe in a story, to weave your own dreams from its dangling threads, to leap wholeheartedly and without realising you've leapt into another person's world. The book was The Brothers Lionheart by Astrid Lindgren - it still

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-75713326595556496452010-07-13T04:49:00.001-07:002010-07-13T04:57:12.361-07:00

In an act of pure, leafy generosity, our camellia bush has burst into flower just as things have been extra rough. When everything else in the garden is doing its best dead stick impression, the camellia is relishing the cold and lavishing us with its pinky goodness.El Prima has been sending me photos through the day at work just to cheer me up. I couldn't resist sneaking out in the cold

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-17246988932092603272010-07-13T01:08:00.000-07:002010-07-13T01:47:02.919-07:00

Did I mention we're leaping onto that great roundabout again? Woo (excitedly restrained and slightly worried) hoo! We're discovering that the Victorian roundabout is a much more expensive and paperwork-bound one than the NSW one we left behind. Oh how we long for the simple times of a 7am visit to our friends the vampire bees (aka fertility unit nurses at RPA - they take my blood and pollinate

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-85456477373163658402010-07-11T05:49:00.000-07:002010-07-11T06:28:33.513-07:00

It's been a season of grief. Our own grief is becoming worn and supple, though it still catches at our heels, constrains the way we walk. We limp as veteran mourners into the new fresh grief of K & N and my cousin (whose husband of 22 years died suddenly two weeks ago). I'd never been to a funeral of someone younger than 60 before (how fortunate! what lucky planet was I living on?) - but

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-18599662786027280782010-06-28T07:04:00.000-07:002010-06-30T00:51:26.619-07:00

27 June 2010 Something is different today. I woke in El Prima's arms, like last Sunday, but this time without sadness pulsating through my head to the tune of K's announcement that A had died. Today I can get up and decide what to do without tears, I can pull on my new, soft elephant t-shirt for the first time and think "maybe I can do this, maybe I can be like an mama elephant*, and be all the

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-57070756401018949722010-06-28T07:00:00.000-07:002010-07-11T23:32:24.327-07:00

and we were on opposite sides of the world, knitting seemed like the only thing I could do for K & N. Flying home to this sad winter, with their baby boy in the luggage hold rather than bouncing in their laps, I thought a little bit of extra warmth wouldn't go astray.Thanks P for the beautiful yarn.

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-42295979818835448992010-06-22T17:49:00.000-07:002010-06-22T18:01:18.493-07:00

** Thank you for your thoughts for our friends K & N and their loss of beautiful little A. We're resolving (as some of you kindly suggested) not to let this sink us further, but to hold strong for K & N and offer them all the love and help we can. **Image from here.El Prima got two job offers this week - very welcome news after months of searching. In my excitement I posted the news on FB

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-34345407714831139762010-06-17T00:57:00.000-07:002010-06-17T01:13:47.245-07:00

I've just found out that dear friends of ours living in France have just lost their little boy - he was just over 6 months old - to SIDS. He was due just a month before Z, and we were so excited when we found out that we were pregnant at the same time. He was born just before Christmas, and we saw the first photos of him on Facebook on Christmas eve at my dad's house - resting the laptop on my

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-87405498772737917982010-06-05T03:56:00.000-07:002010-06-05T04:20:55.906-07:00

Mark Rothko, Orange and Yellow 1 from here.Yesterday I tried all kinds of things to quell the weeping, and this was the only one that really worked - to memorise one of my favorite poems:WARNING TO CHILDREN, by Robert GravesChildren, if you dare to thinkOf the greatness, rareness, muchnessFewness of this precious onlyEndless world in which you sayYou live, you think of things like this:Blocks of

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-25632064292013022472010-06-02T19:33:00.000-07:002010-06-02T19:59:42.583-07:00

Most of the shock has worn off now, and we're just doing the daily grind of grief. The sadness is still huge, but we have to live with it now, work with it, breakfast with it and somehow go on. Every now and then I think of a new part of the accident I hadn't processed before - my dad coming to the hospital, and I was so bossy telling him to go straight to El Prima (in another hospital across

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-52880265017477015462010-05-18T16:21:00.000-07:002010-05-18T16:33:11.456-07:00

It has all been so grey for the last few weeks, that I could hardly bear to inflict my sullen mood on anyone else but myself. But this week, I can not only see the corner, but am being happily dragged around it, primarily by beloved friends and family just coming and being with and sharing their sparkle.In particular, here are some of the corner-turning things:- Digging in the company of my dad

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-82301111112525221252010-05-04T23:58:00.000-07:002010-05-05T00:00:23.661-07:00

is the kind of thing I need to get me through the pile of marking I have before me: TODAY by Frank O'Hara Oh! kangaroos, sequins, chocolate sodas! You really are beautiful! Pearls, harmonicas, jujubes, aspirins! all the stuff they've always talked about still makes a poem a surprise! These things are with us

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-21274301549341306482010-05-03T03:16:00.000-07:002010-05-03T03:36:59.303-07:00

We’re sick of the house, sick of our own misery and sick of each other’s company. So what is the best remedy for this malcontent? Clearly, wandering around IKEA with legions of pregnant women and parents holding small children behind every Billy bookcase is a fabulous idea. Things started badly this morning when I woke early, and read the last few chapters of an unmentionable “children’s”

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-20948636484526970782010-04-29T02:38:00.000-07:002010-04-29T04:51:45.469-07:00

A kindly postgrad student with a three wheeler trolley helped us take the boxes up to my new office and piled them up. A few hours later, once I'd met a few people, got lost on the way to the bathroom, and started doing some work, I could feel the boxes behind me waiting, so I took a key to the packing tape. I think of pith-helmeted archaeologists cracking open Egyptian sarcophagi. When these

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-87034769466940438132010-04-27T04:20:00.000-07:002010-04-27T06:17:41.747-07:00

Thank you so much for your love and concern. Sorry to be so morose! Getting out of town and seeing a beloved old friend get married helped. I really don't want to go onto antidepressants to get through this. I don't think there is really any dodging this sadness, I just hope that if I can look it in the eye and stare it down, it might gradually retreat to a safer distance.

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-80149931974024211582010-04-20T04:29:00.000-07:002010-04-20T04:33:57.170-07:00

This is my refrain: Again?Just when I've worked up the energy to get up / cook dinner / go to physio / answer emails / pay bills, I wake up the next morning and it all has to be done again. This qualifies as possibly the most whingey / obvious observation ever made, and I know I should be grateful that I have another day, and another before me, but right now it is all too hard. Now, even the

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-69109917954943178922010-04-15T06:20:00.000-07:002010-04-15T06:55:05.193-07:00

it seems, for nonsensical poetry (at our house at least). I found an old book of children's poetry at my dad's house, and these were the poems which made the most sense to me, each in a different way.THE PESSIMIST by Ben KingNothing to do but work,Nothing to eat but food,Nothing to wear but clothes,To keep one from going nude.Nothing to breathe but air, Quick as a flash 'tis gone,Nowhere to fall

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-35582449364210064132010-04-10T15:09:00.000-07:002010-04-10T15:16:49.364-07:00

When I returned to blogging to start this blog (a long long time ago on the other side of the abyss), I promised myself that it would be guilt-free blogging. With my previous blog, that was what had killed it - the guilt and shame of not having posted for x days, which made it all too hard to actually post again. So this time, I promised it would be just about writing when I needed / wanted to,

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-54364232141685818542010-03-18T03:50:00.000-07:002010-03-18T04:34:58.849-07:00

We’re getting close to three months since the accident, and it suddenly occurred to me that maybe I wanted to write a three month letter to Zainab. I'm not having a dig at those who write letters to their living children - god knows if she'd lived I would have been right on the bandwagon. It is a beautiful idea, that's why I just wanted a little taste of it, even though it isn't quite the same

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-90594764192190325222010-03-15T03:45:00.000-07:002010-03-15T04:59:57.162-07:00

Here are some of the things that make it a bit better:- the sound the cat makes when I accidentally sneeze on him. Both surprised and disgusted all at once.- Rima being home, although she was kind enough to bring back a sniffy head cold especially for me.- pulling my finger out and starting to sort out actual dates for starting back at work, even if the idea of it is still pretty scary. -

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-46916969486958794082010-03-08T16:56:00.000-08:002010-03-08T17:14:48.348-08:00

I'm calling around getting insurance quotes for the new death-machine we are due to pick up tomorrow. It is not "new" new - just new for us. A 2002 Subaru - but one of the models with stability control and a ..... of airbags.A prize for whoever can come up with the best plural noun for a group of airbags. A cloud of airbags? A reassurance of airbags?The person giving me an insurance quote has

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-8933925070589308532010-03-04T16:44:00.000-08:002010-03-04T17:33:44.228-08:00

- Not having El Prima around to tell me it is time I went to bed (she's in Sydney for the weekend).- Staying up till the tiny quiet hours reading and weeping.- When we decide to go for a walk to the market as a cheer-up, having a heavily pregnant woman ask "Are you pregnant?" (the second such comment in 3 days)- Getting poured on by rain on the walk home.Actually, I think the rain did help.

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-17960638978615162182010-03-04T03:02:00.000-08:002010-03-04T03:04:31.048-08:00

We grabbed the mail on our way out of the house to have coffee with Aron, an old friend who did his history PhD on the Royal tours of Australia. I tear one envelope open and can tell from the feel of the paper that it is not a bill. This is thicker, watermarked paper. When I stare at it, I can’t tell if it is just my eyes or whether the colour of the paper changes softly towards the centre –

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-48744064816442461522010-03-02T18:23:00.000-08:002010-03-02T18:34:34.779-08:00

is the day I decided I was ready to see the pictures of our car post-crash. I'm still writing but the blogging thing is tricky at the moment. February has come and gone - a very different month to the one I had thought I might be having. My knee is getting better - at some stage in the next few months, people won't be able to tell how damaged I was/am from the way I walk. I'm not sure I'm

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-7507129166262953352010-02-09T18:06:00.000-08:002010-02-09T18:19:15.949-08:00

I’m sorry I went uncharacteristically quiet for a while there. The sadness made me paper-thin, so that just breathing, opening my eyes and looking at my surviving loved ones felt so hard. Thank god for that automatic breathing reflex thing hey. Because I certainly couldn’t have bothered doing it consciously.When a little more energy did well up in me, there were some other very big calls on it

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-67325579125005059622010-01-27T13:37:00.000-08:002010-01-27T14:44:31.983-08:00

**Thank you so much for your beautiful comments or emails. I'm trying to respond to these individually, but it takes time - which is a bit scarce round our place at the moment as we're getting ready for the girls to start their new school on Monday, and for the memorial on the 7th. But I will get there. In the meanwhile, please know that your messages are hitting their mark and making us feel

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-71693291514352668672010-01-22T19:45:00.000-08:002010-01-22T20:08:00.117-08:00

On thursday afternoon, we were sitting on the front porch behind the rose bushes when the postie came. Rima went and got the mail straight away - about the only time in our lives together when we've actually both been home on a weekday to see the postman. In amongst the mail was a postpack with 6 cds of images from the radiology department at Royal Melbourne. At first I thought that there were

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-67607251485616944632010-01-20T13:55:00.000-08:002010-01-20T14:03:23.926-08:00

When our car came to a stop on 27 December after the 4WD hit us, I realised that the car was crushed around my legs and I couldn't get out. For a moment I thought, "oh god - how will I get out - there is no way I can get myself out of here". And then I remembered that the fire fighters also have equipment to cut people out of cars, and that it would only be a matter of time before they would

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-24644230428864812762010-01-20T05:14:00.000-08:002010-01-25T03:24:13.528-08:00

Remember this post? We used the poem I'd written for Zainab's funeral.Here are the words to the song I was talking about, even more appropriate now than they were then:Summarize – Little BirdieSummarize what it means to be happy to you, and all that’s inside.Summarize and I will take time to find you.I am happy just lying here with you, I am happy here just lying here next to you.Oh maybe, maybe

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073262119651255587.post-42876852194467704562010-01-20T04:22:00.000-08:002010-01-20T04:42:17.137-08:00

You know when Mr Krabs Spongebob Squarepants' boss gets really angry and mean? C'est moi at the moment. Here are some of the things which have turned me into a cranky bitch in the last 24 hours:- The stupid Australian Open ("tennis" - apparently some people wish to watch this repetitive crap) being on the television.- beloved members of my family wishing to watch the Australian Open pretty much

Hanenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.com3