"Edited to Add"....

This started as a pregnancy blog when I fell pregnant in May 2009 after four years of finding a donor, doing all the counselling / paperwork / tests and trying.

And now, thanks to a 4WD which skidded onto our side of the road, killing our baby daughter at 34w and injuring me, my partner and two of my stepdaughters on 27 December 2009, it has turned into something else. We didn't want this something else, but apparently it is all we've got to go on with.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Curiouser and curiouser!

I've been having some strange dreams featuring a new character - halloumi. First one in which it was El Prima, rather than me who gave birth to halloumi, and she was a girl. I was trying to run a restaurant, and people kept coming in and demanding to be served, even though we had officially closed. The people wouldn't leave, so I called out for El Prima, who was in bed already (apparently we lived upstairs from the restaurant) and she came downstairs with halloumi in a baby-bjorn harness. She was just beautiful, and was breastfeeding while in the harness.

Second, in which I managed to give birth to halloumi without realising it, and when the midwife told me that I had a daughter, I asked where was she - I wanted to hold her and feed her. And the nurse said, "no, you can't". And I asked why, and she replied, "because you've got a cold". I think this is from reading horror stories of 1950s hospital births in a book I'm reading at the moment.

Third, I gave birth to halloumi, and she looked exactly like El Prima - ie with an adult head and the body of a baby. And I was feeding her but getting confused because she did also seem to be El Prima at the same time.

Funny that my subconscious clearly thinks halloumi is a girl - I've been thinking we might have a boy.

I've also been waking up at 5 or 6 am - with something that feels not quite like flutters, but as though there is activity going on, and it is not my own normal internal bodily activity. A bit like when you sense that there is someone busy in the next room, although you can't hear any defined sounds. Maybe our halloumi is a morning person?

Image is apparently from behindinfinity3 from here.


  1. pregnancy dreams are insane. 13 months since being pregnant and I still remember quite a few of my preggers dreams.

    it is almost as if you are haunted by the magic that must be growing a whole new consciousness in your belly.


  2. They are very strange! It is a kind of haunting - exactly! Like my brain trying to guess at who this new person will be.

    If you ascribe to the theory that dreams are our brain's own DIY therapy / processing currrent challenges and concerns, then I guess it makes sense that the huge changes involved in growing and birthing a tiny new person would take up a bit of airtime.