"Edited to Add"....

This started as a pregnancy blog when I fell pregnant in May 2009 after four years of finding a donor, doing all the counselling / paperwork / tests and trying.

And now, thanks to a 4WD which skidded onto our side of the road, killing our baby daughter at 34w and injuring me, my partner and two of my stepdaughters on 27 December 2009, it has turned into something else. We didn't want this something else, but apparently it is all we've got to go on with.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Back in the game (yes, I'm a big superstitious hippy)

It was well past midnight when we finally got home from our flight from Sydney after our weekend of "baster-related" activities. El Prima was exhausted, and went straight to bed, and I meant to, but I kept coming back to the lucky 10c piece which we'd found yesterday (on the lucky date of 10/10/10).

I'd spent Saturday afternoon with a dear friend who is doing IVF, and had an embryo transfer on Friday, and we sat there eating yum cha - compatriots in this strange lottery of trying to get pregnant. When I found out that she was having the transfer, and that we'd cross paths in Sydney, I suddenly felt very pagan, and adapted one of my mum's shell mobiles to craft a little fertility charm for her - copper wire, mother-of-pearl, a shell spiraling into itself and infinity, and purple cotton yarn to connect all these things.

So when I got home to our house, quiet with the girls sleeping, I thought, I need to mark this moment - to embrace the hope and to give my little pagan thanks that we are finally back in the game - and to somehow weave together our love and grief for Z with the hope that one day we might bring home a living brother or sister for her. In the two days we'd been away, the sage bush in our front yard had burst into dark purple leafed flower. I went out, in the mild spring night, and cut two sprigs, and put them in the cornelia shot glass in our bathroom. I tucked the 10c piece into one of the shells which hang above the bath (also from my mum). And then, with the same special matches I use to light Z's candle, I lit a new little light.

Who knows what will happen? We've tossed* the coin, now we just have to wait two weeks to see which way it lands. We might be lucky, or it might take us a long time. But I'm so glad to at least be back in the game. Wish us luck. (and tell me, do you have little luck rituals? Do they work for you(either to make the good things happen, or to make you feel better about the trying)? I felt so secretive and embarrassed about this - I wasn't sure whether to post it or not. I know it doesn't make sense, and I know that these things won't change our odds, but they do help my heart, so that I can sit with this uncertainty and not let it drive me crazy)

And in related fertility news, look at my broad beans! We ate our first little crop tonight, with fresh tagliatelle, pesto and parmesan. So so good.

* ahem!


  1. all luck to you.

    and those are stupendous beans.

  2. congrats on being back in the game. hopefully, it will be a short ride to getting knocked up.

  3. Wishing you the very best of luck.

  4. That is great news!

    I'm not a superstitious/religious person by nature but I do have my own little rituals as well. For good luck -or rather to ward away bad luck- I keep an Armenian evil eye charm pinned to my purse.

    Wishing you much luck.

  5. wishing you lots of luck. what a lovely thing to do, to make a charm for your friend.

  6. My sage is just starting to flower too - I will send extra good thoughts out into the universe for you every time I see it. I am crazy superstitious, as you know, so it's nice to have a symbolic flower to focus on. The pomegranate trees are looking lush, and I've been thinking of you every time I water them.

    Your charms sound wonderful and powerful. I'm glad you made one for yourself as well as one for L.

    Look at those broad beans! Mine are coming along but are still too tiny to harvest. Try cooking them, double peeling then mashing in a mortar with some olive oil and garlic, then add grated pecorino romano - great on bruschetta or pasta, or as a dip.

  7. Mighty broad beans! Hope they were yummy.

    Sending you and El Prima the very best of luck.

    I have visited some standing stones near us which are supposed to confer fertility. My husband and I (kind of sheepishly) asked the stones for some help! Can't do any harm?! Also feel kind of embarrassed about it!

    Your luck charms sound wonderful. x

  8. Good luck!

    And good luck surviving the TWW! You definitely need to take care of your heart...

    Luv the beans, YUM!

  9. I'm all about those types of superstitions. I think they're especially powerful when you're driven to do something to increase someone else's chances. It makes you a conduit of good energy. (Why YES, I did grow up in the liberal hippy tradition.)

    Thinking about you in this especially meaningful TWW, and throughout your journey.

  10. Thank you so much for all the good wishes / lucky thoughts! (I'm really wishing I had threaded comments on blogger for this very purpose - does anyone know whether you can tweak blogger to thread comments?)

    @ brianna - oh yes, we have evil eye charms (lebanese ones) all over the place! And one in the car, which we didn't have pre-accident.

    @ ping - but if I mash them, I might lose some precious bean-flesh in the mortar! But that sounds delicious.

    @ Catherine W - I think anything that old is bound to be lucky. Go on, dear old stones, please work your magic! Am wishing lots of lucky thoughts for you guys too.

    @ Bree - I like the conduit of good energy theory. You do the liberal hippy tradition proud :)

    And thanks for admiring my beans - so proud! They were delicious!

  11. I'm a bit late to this post, but wanted to wish you luck, and say I don't think it's silly to have these rituals.We all do what we do to get through, and if it makes us feel better then it's not silly at all. x

  12. Good luck!! Hope you have a speedy TWW and that this is it! We used a Native American fertility icon called Kokopelli (magnet on the fridge), a bracelet given by a friend, handed down from her MIL, which she swore she got pregnant every time she wore it. We didn't feel like these things worked, but we consider our first son our good luck charm because the only time we took him with us to the IUI, I conceived.

  13. H, you lose nothing in a mortar if you use a silicone spatula to scrape it out! Otherwise, wait until my beans get bigger and we can use some of those :) Are you up for a Med Wholesalers excursion to get some pecorino? It's the best thing for broad beans.

  14. Dear H - thank you for sharing in the whole ritual - yum cha and art are a great way to chill and summon some good energy. I like the description of your own ritual, particularly picking sage in the middle of a mild night - and the date, the coin and Z's candle matches.

    I made a broad bean, quinoa and preserved lemon salad that evening - delicious! I'm now inspired to buy another batch and make pasta as you did.


  15. @ Jeanette - Thank you!! And glad you don't think it is silly. This 'getting through' business is trickier than it sounds, so every little bit helps.

    @ E - I love that Teo was your good luck charm! I hope you tell him that - I'm sure he would be so proud. And thanks for your good wishes.

    @ Ping - YES! We've just run out, so it would be much needed. Will give you a buzz.

    @ mmyyrrhh - my absolute pleasure. Your salad sounds amazing. I'm a bit scared of quinoa though, having done something terrible to it once which resulted in a gelatinous mass of curly grey stuff... But I think it is probably worth another try. xxx

  16. Your charms are beautiful. I'm a massive believer in signs, symbols and charms so I guess I'm a big superstitious hippie too :)

    Best of luck to you, I will be thinking of you - we have another transfer lined up next week (in sydney too!) so I guess we'll jump on the crazy rollercoaster together(ish). Hoping for the most wonderful possible outcome for you xxx

  17. Hey Suzy - thanks so much! I hope it warms your big superstitious hippy heart to know I'll be picking sage flowers for you too and sending lots of good sticky wishes for your transfer next week.

  18. It certainly does warm the very cockles of my heart. Whatever the hell that actually means ;)