"Edited to Add"....

This started as a pregnancy blog when I fell pregnant in May 2009 after four years of finding a donor, doing all the counselling / paperwork / tests and trying.

And now, thanks to a 4WD which skidded onto our side of the road, killing our baby daughter at 34w and injuring me, my partner and two of my stepdaughters on 27 December 2009, it has turned into something else. We didn't want this something else, but apparently it is all we've got to go on with.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

the pieces

I'm still picking myself up after being bitch-slapped by last week. Partly, the telling is too exhausting, partly I'm now very wary of telling because of events at work last week. In dot points:

- diagnosed via a letter? Or maybe not. Seems to have been a hospital mistake...

- mucked up a work thing. Then made it worse. To the point that I've now been told my duties have been changed. Yes, yes, my job is not on the line here, they are all very understanding. But I'm kicking myself (and frustrated at being left out of the "what do we do with a problem like maria" discussion) nonetheless. There's nothing to make you feel like an incompetent crazy-lady than people treating you like one.

- best friend has had her baby, and he is alive and well - Yay! But whoa - intense emotion-bubbles. Thankfully she's the kind of friend I can weep on (and who was there to be wept on when Z was born).

- oh, I miss Z so much. More than the baseline, everyday, where is my baby missing. Big peaks of "I want her here", "I wish she was making 15-month old noises", "maybe she'd be wearing the trashy-fabulous gold sequined baby-sneakers that El Prima bought her for Mardi Gras by now" etc. At least I've seen her star again the last couple of nights - for a couple of weeks there I couldn't pick it out, and felt so lost without her.

- went to see stand up comedy to feel better, ended up laughing so hard I hit my tooth on the chair in front and broke it. (Yes, I have enormous front teeth) And it was the same tooth I chipped in the accident, which has been repaired three times, but is still weak. Gah.

The intensity-knob on all of the above has since been turned down, thank god, and I'm feeling much saner as a result. Suffice to say, I'm still waiting on the results about the molar pregnancy thing, but my doctor reckons it is pretty unlikely given that my HCG levels seem to be dropping rapidly. Tooth is fixed, thanks to delightful dentist recommended by best friend. Work thing is okay - not my preferred outcome, but I have let the colleague in question know that next time I'd like to be included in the conversation. It's all back down to a crappy but manageable level.

Thank you all so much for your thoughts and kind words, and especially for the various offers to kick the universe in the balls for me (but said nicely). You are all ace. xxxh


  1. What a stupid week you've had!! I'm sorry - these things should wait their turn instead of attacking you all at once.

  2. That's a lot in one week. I'm so sorry. I hope the next week is easier on you.
    Missing Z with you.

  3. That is a lot of stress for one week. Jeesh. I find that the times I miss G the most are the times when everything else seems too much to deal with. I think that dealing with our grief occupies so much of the "attempting to calmly deal with problematic issues" part of our brain that when too many other things go wrong it gets overloaded.
    I'm glad things are a little better but I am hoping that they get out of the "crappy" level soon.

  4. Crappy week!!! :( :( Sending "next week will be better" vibes your way!!

  5. Bleah! What shit on top of shit, but I am so so glad you had such a laugh, even though the outcome was a broken tooth. Laughter is so good for you.
    Your yearning for Z is just devastating even from here, halfway around the world, a stranger who never met you or her. I so wish the universe could give you back what you mightily deserve.

  6. sheebus, what a lot to fit into one week. stands to reason you are owed several really great weeks in return, payable immediately.

    but i'll still kick the universe in the balls for you.

  7. the tooth thing was really too much....will you forgive me for laughing?

    and i say embrace the crazy lady part of you....im sure she is ace and doing an excellent job.
    good on you for telling them they should have included you - honestly, what's wrong with them?!? - THATs crazy.

    good you HCG is behaving

    thinking of your beautiful Z.

    sending love xxx

  8. Oh, I have raged at the universe for what it has recently given you.

    I had a big cry for Haloumi after A's birth. Your beautiful girl is so deeply missed, my love.

  9. Dang, what a week! Too much, too much. I hope this next week treats you far better and that you are able to keep all teeth intact. Glad Z's star is shining for you again, as well. Been thinking of you and glad you updated us. xx

  10. Oh yuck. What a horrible, horrible week. Totally understand the compounding effect of 'being treated like an incompetent crazy lady.' Awful. But sounds like you have got things back on a more even keel. Glad you got your tooth fixed and that it looks as though your pregnancy was not molar.

    I'm so sorry you are missing your dear girl, sometimes it just does seem to 'peak', I think I know what you mean. I wish she were here to wear those gold sequin sneakers.

  11. I was behind in reading and apparently missed a bunch of instances where support was needed. I'm so sorry these crappy things are happening. Hoping like crazy for you that it's not (wasn't?) a molar pregnancy. *hug*

  12. foul week indeed hanen, i hope you have had better times of late, sending loads of love, anne (littleharves ) xxx

  13. when it rains...

    i know i'm behind on commenting, so i'm hoping the last week has been better.

    take care of yourself the best that you can, hanen.

    ((many hugs))

  14. Just stopped by to say, I was thinking of you...of Z and the PLB.

    Much love.