"Edited to Add"....

This started as a pregnancy blog when I fell pregnant in May 2009 after four years of finding a donor, doing all the counselling / paperwork / tests and trying.

And now, thanks to a 4WD which skidded onto our side of the road, killing our baby daughter at 34w and injuring me, my partner and two of my stepdaughters on 27 December 2009, it has turned into something else. We didn't want this something else, but apparently it is all we've got to go on with.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Thaw cycle #2 associated melancholy

I've kind of been hiding, feeling a bit sheepish, because although the last post I wrote was very true at the time, all my own optimism and philosophising feels very hollow now. I'd weathered our BFN from our last ivf cycle reasonably well, and was just relieved that we at least got a clear answer this time. But then I got some tricky work news a week ago and suddenly the bubble burst and things feel impossible again. Just moving my limbs feels like hard work and every decision a drama.

I can read that poem, but at the moment it just makes me cry, because having a daughter who is a star, rain, the ocean, and freaking fuschia buds feels like a pretty rough consolation prize. Just the thought of another thaw cycle made me cry, not because of the procedure or anything like that, but because I'm so exhausted with hope and so sick of history repeating. I know other women have been through many more cycles, but that's what I'm afraid of - that this will just go on and on. I don't know how you (amazing ivf veterans) do it!

I'd just turned thirty the first time El Prima and I sat in a doctor's office hoping to get pregnant, and next week I'll be thirty five. Friends who started their families around that time are onto their third child. I know it's not a race, I know comparisons are odious, but I'm so weary of failing at this. 'Fail' is an awful word, I know that doesn't help things, but I'm stuck between wanting a living child and knowing that there is nothing on earth that can make that a certainty. We're doing everything we can to up the chances, but we still have to play this bloody lottery, stake our hearts again and again, betting like the baby-hungry suckers that we are.

When I was about six, and had figured out the whole where babies came from thing, and realised that I was a girl and would hopefully be eligible for the deal, I told my friends I wanted to have ONE HUNDRED BABIES. We had earnest discussions about the logistics - I was happy to have them four at a time if necessary. Ha! (ouch!)

I've revised my expectations these days. Even when I thought I was being adult and realistic I was hoping for 2 or 3, though I found it hard to imagine. Now I'd settle just for one living child. Z counts as one, of course she does. Even on the rough days, I'm so proud of her. But I'd like to try parenting a living child too.

16 comments:

  1. Oh Hanen, my dear. I wish I could put m arms around you, I do.

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  2. Oh my dear. I am so sorry, it is a horrible lottery to be stuck playing in and I just hope that your numbers come up soon. So very much.

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  3. it just sucks. it really does. that you are getting through it and with such grace is amazing.

    <3

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  4. I'm so sorry Hanen, I wish I could just make everything alright. All I can do is send you love, which seems so inadequate. x

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  5. "Exhausted with hope" - I'm so sorry. My fingers are crossed for you over here, and I wish that this weren't all so difficult.

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  6. You know I am just SO BUMMED that IVF hasn't just worked for you. The last thing you needed was to enter IVF hell. Because in my experience, it really is a kind of hell. I just hope and pray that it is a hell that you escape soon, clutching a beautiful living baby in your arms.

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  7. I am so so sorry for all of...this. It is brutal the pain continues. But one flicker of light is the fact you HAVE embies to thaw. I wish I had those tiny...possibilities.... big hugs to you

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  8. Thank you so much dear ones for the virtual hugs and love and good thoughts. It was so good to read these messages this morning, just as I was trying to piece together a plan for dealing with today, and the energy to carry it through. We are lucky to have those little possibilities, to be this far on the path. I know rationally that we've got a half decent chance. But thank you for holding my hand through this particular hell-realm - it makes it that much more bearable. xxxxxxxxh

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  9. Ah H, I so, so understand those thoughts: When will this end? How long do we have to do this for? It seems so hard to believe that you could have one living child of your own, so you do settle for that - two or three seem like part of a wildly hedonistic world of joy that really only exists in dreams.

    On a lighter note, you were a very wise child to figure out the birds and the bees at 6 - I was still clueless at 10!

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  10. I so hope you get your wish, Hanen. Of course Z counts, but I'd so love for you to have a little life at home with you to nurture.
    xo

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  11. I'd like that for you too, Hanen. You are such an amazing mother to Z, and I so want you to have that opportunity to mother a living child as well.

    sending love, as always.
    xo
    sarah

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  12. Oh I so wish for you to have good news soon. It's too much for you guys. I never did ivf hell...just iui hell, and that was bad enough. You are so strong. Keep on keeping on...

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  13. sorry to read this hanen, the old numbers game of ivf is not easy on many levels. it took me a few goes before i had dot. hang in there, you know you can get pregnant, little z, bless her, showed you that. i really hope it happens sooner rather than later for you, sending hugs and much love xxx

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  14. I hope you get to raise one soon

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  15. oh, sweetie. many hugs and much love.

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