"Edited to Add"....

This started as a pregnancy blog when I fell pregnant in May 2009 after four years of finding a donor, doing all the counselling / paperwork / tests and trying.

And now, thanks to a 4WD which skidded onto our side of the road, killing our baby daughter at 34w and injuring me, my partner and two of my stepdaughters on 27 December 2009, it has turned into something else. We didn't want this something else, but apparently it is all we've got to go on with.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011


Oh, the posts that have been floating around my head!  Sadly, I've had to direct my energy into marking two batches of 120 assignments - urk.  Meanwhile, my head is spinning with missing Z and being tentatively excited / worried for Adzuki, and alternately feeling guilty for letting doubt creep into this new pregnancy. 

Things seem to be going well.  We had another scan at 8 weeks, and there was Adzuki with a rockin' heartbeat, with the beginnings of arms and legs and measuring a few days ahead.  We've done crazy things such as book in with a midwife, and register with the hospital.  I had my ten week blood tests yesterday, and my GP had a poke around my tummy and proclaimed, "I think that's the uterus - it seems pretty big already", which was reassuring and alarming at the same time.  She's lovely though, as is our midwife, and I feel like we're in good hands whatever happens.  (*whatever happens*...  this is the kind of hesitant, tentative hope I'm holding onto at the moment.)  I'm glad I can blame my fat tummy on that old uterus, though, because I feel exceedingly lumpy already.  A student remarked on it today, and wished me luck! (Though I don't mind people wishing me well on the pregnancy so much when I actually *am* pregnant.  It was pretty awful when I wasn't.)

I've been delighting El Prima with continuing nausea.  She was very comforting but also a bit happy when I threw up my dinner the other night.  I'd forgotten the absolute desperation of pregnancy hunger, as well as the importance of eating slowly and being careful to stop eating when the nausea demands.  There is so much that feels just like my Haloumi pregnancy with Z, that it sometimes does my head in.  And yet the food I get hungry for is very different - all salty things.  So many little new bits of grief catch me by surprise - just the thought of explaining to a little child that her/his big sister died before she/he was born.  The thought that Z would in probability be talking by now, and how much that would delight my dad.  The thought of not having to explain to Z that she might soon have a little sister or brother. 

Just "gestating safely" and getting my head around the whole thing seems to take up so much energy, and yet this has been precisely when my work has stepped up and demanded more from me than I feel able to give.  I've also realised that I'm grieving the loss of my old job and workplace.  It was my choice, of course, but I miss my colleagues and a system that I knew my way around in. 

Our next scan is in two weeks at 13 weeks.  I don't want to wish that time away, because I started this pregnancy wanting to enjoy every moment of it, I know those are two important, beautiful weeks for Adzuki, but it is pretty scary too.  I'm trying to weave those two things together in my head - to know that this is the deal - this is what pregnancy after loss feels like - scary and amazing in equal measures.  I'm so grateful to be here, even if it scares the pants off me.


  1. It is scary and amazing all at once isn't it? Wishing you love always. x

  2. These will be the longest 40 weeks of your life, but I feel so sure all the worry and panic will be so totally worth it. You've come such a long way already and you deserve all the happiness in the world.

  3. I can't imagine just how scary it must be. Hoping the time passes quickly and slowly at the same time, and that soon enough you will have an amazing Adzuki there with you. ♥

  4. Completely understand all of this. it's tough and oddly exhilarating in some weird "I'm doing this!" sort of way.

  5. it is the strange quality of that hunger that most made me feel i was in the grip of something, no longer myself. an awesome feeling -- in the sense of amazement and terror, both.

    i had this half-willful belief before the bean was born that he was somehow in communion with relatives who had died. i don't officially go in for that kind of thinking, but really, the whole conception/gestation business is nothing but mystery, so who am i to say that wasn't happening? anyway, i hope it is okay with you if i imagine a little that adzuki and z are in some way together now. (and always, as they will always be the two who have known you inside.)

  6. It's so hard, and I remember a little of how much energy it takes and also of how it breathes new life into so many memories. I'm holding you and El Prima and little Adzuki in my heart and hoping that this time is as gentle and sweet as possible for all of you.

  7. Please don't feel guilty for doubting, it is so scary and anxiety inducing. I don't know, perhaps I lack imagination, but I just couldn't visualise my subsequent pregnancy ending any differently from my first pregnancy. And yet I feel that I had a new appreciation of how precious every moment was. Amazing and scary is a perfect description.

    Sorry that you are going through nausea again and it is so difficult as the physical sensations, the similarities and the differences, stir up memories of your pregnancy with Z.

    Sending all good wishes and love to you, El Prima and your little Adzuki. Remembering Z xoxo

  8. you just need some good strong knicker elastic, remember you have been through worse than this, thats what i said to myself to get through my pregnancy with dot in one piece. and i blogged a lot, xxx