"Edited to Add"....

This started as a pregnancy blog when I fell pregnant in May 2009 after four years of finding a donor, doing all the counselling / paperwork / tests and trying.

And now, thanks to a 4WD which skidded onto our side of the road, killing our baby daughter at 34w and injuring me, my partner and two of my stepdaughters on 27 December 2009, it has turned into something else. We didn't want this something else, but apparently it is all we've got to go on with.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Holding onto the handrail

I'm sorry I went quiet there for a bit.  Just keeping up with full-time work, and staying sane, and safely gestating is using up most of my time and energy at the moment.  

Adzuki is 33 weeks today, and I can't help but replay where we were at this gestation with Zainab.  They were our last days with her, and we had no idea.  We were in the midst of packing up our house and moving interstate, and then the busy noisy chaos of Christmas and family.  This is why I linger in bed in the mornings when Adzuki starts moving - because we had so few opportunities to do that with Z in those last days.  I'm grateful that he seems to be a very active baby - whenever I start getting worried about him, I tune in to my belly and have been able to feel him move or hiccough. I'm trying to balance the fears - doing what I can to hang onto the handrail and stay as safe as possible - with the moment to moment experience of having this small person dancing in my belly.  I'm avoiding car trips wherever possible, and using a special seat that keeps the seatbelt away from my belly.  I know it's unlikely that the same thing would happen, but I also know how common car accidents are, and that even a less serious bingle could harm Adzuki.

And in just over a week (if all goes well) Adzuki will have been in my belly longer than Z ever was.  I feel frozen, uncertain of what to do.  I find myself procrastinating with my work - I long to hibernate in bed, to wait this out until I wake one morning and go into labour. 

I think our strategy for now is to mark 34 weeks as another anniversary for Z, and then to begin in earnest the preparations for Adzuki's birth - getting his space in our room set up, listening to the birthing cds, getting my head around the prospect of a pregnancy ending with a living baby rather than trauma and grief.  At least we really hope so this time!

17 comments:

  1. It is so good to read a post from you and know that all is well and Adzuki is doing well, too. I completely understand cherishing those extra moments in bed when baby is so active in the morning hours. Keep doing it!

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  2. I'll be thinking of you these coming weeks. x

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  3. Glad to hear that all is well and hope you get many more quiet morning moments with sweet little Adzuki.

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  4. YAY, you! And Adzuki! Sending love and grounding, prayers and good juju. Love you and love seeing a post from you. xo

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  5. I echo what others said about being happy for you that the pregnancy is going well, and that you are able to take it easy and slow. I think most of us would be doing the same thing (less car trips etc), as you are in a unique position when it comes to the experience of risk. I will be thinking of you in the coming weeks, and wishing and hoping for a smooth labour and delivery. :)

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  6. glad all is well. thinking of you as you get through the next few milestones...

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  7. I've been thinking of you a lot. Glad things are going well and you are staying sane. The thought of you lying there feeling Adzuki move is so sweet.

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  8. Hurray for you and Adzuki! Thinking of you and sending love and hoping these next few weeks go by as peacefully and joyfully as possible.

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  9. Adzuki is 33 weeks! Such a triumph and yet. Yet, I know that it is a difficult time. I think I found 22-25 weeks with the girls, the hardest. Just because I couldn't imagine holding on any longer and because it was the last (gestational) time that I had held them safe. I'm that memories of this time with your dear Zainab will be closer to the surface than usual.

    I certainly did want to hibernate in bed towards the end. Hoping with you so much. Hoping, hoping, hoping and sending you and El Prima peace xo

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  10. Much much love to all of you. xo

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  11. Wow, 33 weeks. I am so happy for you both.
    I cannot imagine the joy you will feel when the baby arrives. In my Rainbow pregnancy I kept counting down to the last minute and knew that ONLY when he was with me safely for at least a week, that I would be able to breathe.

    xoo to you both.

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  12. i have followed you for a long time and been honored to read about your journey, i want to just write how grateful i am to have gotten to know you and your family through this blog. congratulations on your upcoming arrival and keeping z in my thoughts and prayers.

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  13. Been thinking of you and your babies, so much. So, so close but I know it still feels like a lifetime away.
    xo

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  14. So hard to trust that all will be well, isn't it? Nobody can guarantee anything but it is OK for you to trust that everything will be alright this time. The next pregnancy is so anxious but soon he will be with you and that will surely help to heal the gaping wound that losing your little girl has left. Sending all sorts of good vibes, dear and brave mother!

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  15. Hurray...I'm so far behind on blog posts, and just finding out this info today. Wishing you much hope and peace as you all have these next weeks ahead of you. ((hugs))

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  16. hello hanen, wishing you peace and love for these last few weeks of your pregnancy xxx anne

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