"Edited to Add"....

This started as a pregnancy blog when I fell pregnant in May 2009 after four years of finding a donor, doing all the counselling / paperwork / tests and trying.

And now, thanks to a 4WD which skidded onto our side of the road, killing our baby daughter at 34w and injuring me, my partner and two of my stepdaughters on 27 December 2009, it has turned into something else. We didn't want this something else, but apparently it is all we've got to go on with.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Nesting with a vengeance (or, Grief is grotty)

To be honest, I was really a bit scared to start nesting.  But then our dear friends S and C offered as their baby gift a whole day of spring cleaning to help get our place in lovely shape for Adzuki to come home to.  And somehow, having someone to work alongside, and who were really imagining a living breathing baby in our house, unleashed the nesting monster.  All the nesting we never got to do for Z, because we were moving interstate and she died before we moved into the new house - and a whole lot of new nesting for this baby.  For so long, we had just been in survival mode.  We'd unpacked in such a random way - I was discharged directly from the rehab hospital to our new house, and friends and family had unpacked all our furniture the day before. 

El Prima and I were never the biggest fans of housework to start with, but grief sucked much of the remaining house pride out of us.  Just getting back into work, getting the girls to school, dinner on the table, bills paid, laundry done, and then starting IVF took all our energy.  And when you've been given an acute appreciation of how the people you love can be gone in an instant, well, dusting just really doesn't come very high on your priority list.  And El Prima and I really didn't need another thing to argue over.  Oh look, we had all kinds of good excuses, but essentially we'd given up on the notion of having a lovely clean house - it was all just too overwhelming.  Somehow, having S come and clean broke that pattern - and as the one day of spring cleaning turned into about three and a half, and El Prima and I started getting into it, I  realised I could start caring about this house again - that looking after it didn't have to be an act of drudgery but could be an act of love and care - for ourselves and for Adzuki.

That doesn't mean that our place is now spotless, but it is so so much cleaner before, and with this new energy, we've been able to let go of lots of stuff we don't need, and to re-arrange and tidy up the stuff we do need. Who knows if our hearts will be broken again, but I figure - we're already so in love with Adzuki -  holding out on preparing for him to come home living and breathing wouldn't make things any easier if he didn't make it.  If we're jinxed, we're jinxed already by loving him so much.  The first thing I bought for him back in November was this vintage kimono - it is now hanging on the wall near his drawers and change table, hot pink with hope.  We're now at 38 and a half weeks - ready when you are, little one!


  1. fantastic. Gotta love hot pink, a ball, a deer and a duck/pelican bird thing. Any minute now the bean is arriving. Enjoy the scream.

  2. Oooooo that kimono is beautiful. I love the colours.

    Hoping for wonderful news soon, there is so much love for your little son in this post, Adzuki is one lucky bean to have such a wonderful family xo

  3. We're all so ready for you, sweet little one.

  4. I'm thinking of you often, and that Kimono is fabulous!

  5. So glad you have helpful (cleaning-type!) friends to spur on some serious nesting and an influx of hopeful energy.

    Hoping hard for you!

  6. If we're jinxed, we are jinxed already by loving him so much... Yes! So much love. Isn't it amazing what a fresh cleaning can do for our mental perspective? Oh so ready to meet adzuki!!!

  7. Ah! So close, mama. At the end of B's pregnancy I decided that even if things went to hell again I'd be happy to grieve in a clean house and so cleaning was one way I allowed myself to prepare for her. Couldn't deal with all the baby stuff and whatnot, but I could clean. Praying for a perfect outcome for you guys, will be here before you know it. xx

  8. Beautiful! I love this: "And when you've been given an acute appreciation of how the people you love can be gone in an instant, well, dusting just really doesn't come very high on your priority list."

    Waiting here with you. I love the kimono, and the image I have in my mind of you all, waiting for your little Adzuki!

  9. What a great gift. So close, so close, little Adzuki!

  10. groovy kimono action. he will have to love it. Al loved his pink blanket... xxxk

  11. nice. such nice friends!

    Yep, sometimes it just help to get over that hump that is needed.

    Love the nickname Adzuki - BEAN!!

    Happy feathering...