"Edited to Add"....

This started as a pregnancy blog when I fell pregnant in May 2009 after four years of finding a donor, doing all the counselling / paperwork / tests and trying.

And now, thanks to a 4WD which skidded onto our side of the road, killing our baby daughter at 34w and injuring me, my partner and two of my stepdaughters on 27 December 2009, it has turned into something else. We didn't want this something else, but apparently it is all we've got to go on with.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Three month letter (jumping the gun)

We’re getting close to three months since the accident, and it suddenly occurred to me that maybe I wanted to write a three month letter to Zainab. I'm not having a dig at those who write letters to their living children - god knows if she'd lived I would have been right on the bandwagon. It is a beautiful idea, that's why I just wanted a little taste of it, even though it isn't quite the same when your baby isn't here to record all the new amazing things they learned and you learnt about them in a month. But this is part of my task here, to accept that I don't get any more time here on earth with her.

It could go like this: (please excuse my attempt at humour - we do like to try and crack jokes in between the weeping. Ha boo hoo ha.)

My darling girl,

I’m trying to work out how big you might be, if this was your three month birthday rather than three months since you died. We saw a baby today on our way back from the market, probably a bit more on the newborn side than you would be by now. You'll be happy to know that I still haven't seen any baby that comes near you in the looks department, and we seem to be surrounded by them at the moment. They're lovely, they're sweet, but they're not you.

I’m hoping that wherever you are, in the non-denominational, vaguely agnostic Good Place where I like to think you might be “living the dream”, you are growing and learning. Those little legs would be filling out, and maybe you are giving your godparents some smiles, starting to focus on their faces and grin gummily at them. God, I wish we were there to see you and hold you, my love. I wish I could be feeding you and feeling some pride and amazement in your increasing fatness. El Prima would be making faces at you, doing her expert babymama thing, teaching you arabic.

But enough about your milestones, let’s talk about mine! I can now bend my knee well over 100 degrees. Woo hoo. And my quadricep muscle now responds when I want to move it. I can get in and out of bed without doing that weird robot-leg move I had to do before. We’re going for big walks – to and from the shops, around the park, with only one crutch – and I won’t need that for much longer. We’re sleeping through the night a lot more than last month. I think I’ll be starting my new job next month – beginning part-time and working my way up to full time by July.

Your sisters miss you. They are making friends at their new school, and have freaked them out showing them photos of our wrecked car. They were all geared to be the best babysitters ever, I hope you know that.

I won’t write you a letter every month, I hope you’ll understand. But I love you and think about you every day.

With all my love, xxxxx h


  1. I think writing letters when you want to is a great idea.

  2. What a beautiful way to remember your daughter.

  3. I am happy to hear that things in your world are getting better; your body, your job, and such. I hope things continue to get better for you, and that spring lifts your spirits.

  4. xxxx thanks

    Chris - we're in the southern hemisphere, so we're just hitting autumn, but it is beautiful nonetheless.

  5. Oh jeez... so sorry! I can be such a dolt sometimes. Autumn is nice too, though. Spring and fall are my two favorites.
    Since I have already made an ass of myself, might as well make a day of it... can I ask when you think you might start trying again? I know its not my place, and please tell me to bugger off if you don't wanna answer... But I will be crossing my fingers for you on whatever path you take. Just let me know what I'm supposed to be hoping for!

  6. Not to worry - there's nothing on here saying we're in Australia. But autumn is lovely, and our winter is pretty wussy by north american standards so it is all good.

    We're thinking of starting again around august. I know it is not a full 12 months since the accident (which is apparently the recommended time to wait) but who knows how long it will take to get pregnant - last time it was a good 9 months before our first BFP. But, god, I am so impatient! Thanks so much for your good wishes xxxxh

  7. Are they recommending you wait a year for physical or emotional healing or a little of both?
    I'm glad your body is starting to heal and cooperate again. The photo you posted from the accident was crazy, I imagine the kids have a lot to say about it.
    Good luck on the new job! I hope fall is kind to you. I love the colors of fall.

  8. Hanen,

    I am so sorry to hear about the accident and the loss of your precious girl. I appreciate your comment on my blog, and I wish you continued strength and healing during this time.



  9. Flying Monkeys - it is mainly about the emotional stuff (though they do say trying to have a VBAC is safer at least 1-2 years after a caesar).

    My shrink tells me that for many women who lose a baby, going through the one year anniversary is usually pretty hard going and can be even harder if you are pregnant again at the time.

    It was a pretty crazy accident. When I saw that 4WD coming towards us and out of control I really thought we would all die, so it was amazing that 4 of us made it and have spines / basic bodily functions in decent working order. I know that it could have been much worse, but it is really hard to put this sadness on any kind of scale of better / worse.

    Thanks for your good wishes - I hope the job will be a good distraction. xxxxh

  10. Reese,
    thanks so much for your thoughts. I'm so sad you lost Ronan.

    I think you are right, this is an awful club to find yourself a member of, but it helps that others are so lovely. And I have to say, Radha is just beautiful. xxxh