"Edited to Add"....

This started as a pregnancy blog when I fell pregnant in May 2009 after four years of finding a donor, doing all the counselling / paperwork / tests and trying.

And now, thanks to a 4WD which skidded onto our side of the road, killing our baby daughter at 34w and injuring me, my partner and two of my stepdaughters on 27 December 2009, it has turned into something else. We didn't want this something else, but apparently it is all we've got to go on with.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010


This is my refrain: Again?

Just when I've worked up the energy to get up / cook dinner / go to physio / answer emails / pay bills, I wake up the next morning and it all has to be done again.

This qualifies as possibly the most whingey / obvious observation ever made, and I know I should be grateful that I have another day, and another before me, but right now it is all too hard. Now, even the art work I make, the words I write seem pointless and withering in my hands.

I know there is a tiny silver thread that leads me out of this dark place, but I can't seem to lay my hands on it at the moment.


  1. I'm hoping you find that thread soon... I hate to think of you in such a dark unhappy place. Hugs to you.

  2. At some point, it stops being painful and starts being routine. And then it'll be less hard. Sort of.

    I was just thinking of you today. Wanted to send you an e-mail, but realized that I don't have an e-mail address for you. But I'm thinking of you. :hugs:

  3. I'm hoping you find that thread somewhere too. I'm thinking of you too, and hoping it gets better. Lots of love.

  4. Not sure what to say, except "Sorry." Hope things don't seem so bleak soon for you. Don't want to seem intrusive, but have you and your family considered grief counseling/therapy of any kind?

  5. I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling so down... My thoughts are with you. We are all hoping for the best for you.
    Please feel free to tell me to bugger off, but here are some things that help me when I am down and can't get out of it.
    - DHA and Omega 3's. I know if I dont get enough in my diet, regardless of what is going on, I am more prone to being down.
    - Go to the animal shelter / nursing home / homeless shelter. Do something for someone or something that needs it. It gets me out of my head and keeps my hands and mind busy.
    - Or go the other way, and get away from people. All people. Go in nature somewhere where you are the only one, and just sit and breathe. (Also, if you cry / scream / kick things, no one is around to think you've gone berserk.)
    - Allow yourself your feelings. You have a right to feel however you feel, for as long as you feel necessary. There is no need to rush anything if you don't want to. And you shouldn't feel guilty about it, either.

    I'm sending virtual hugs your way...

  6. xxxx

    Thank you so so much lovely ones. Hugs received and much appreciated.

    It is getting lighter - definitely. We're having a little break in Canberra for a friend's wedding, and that helps. We went to the zoo and saw otters. yay otters.

    As for the grief counselling - the one "advantage" of losing your child via a traffic incident in this state is that the state insurer covers all kinds of psychological & other assistance. They were extra quick to offer the psychological help given that they thought I was going a bit crazy in the hospital.

    Re omega 3s - yes. I had a big bottle of those and was taking them with the pregnancy vitamins - and haven't been so good at taking them post-accident, even though I do think they make a big difference. But I promise to dig them out.

    I feel kind of sheepish we haven't done the volunteering we'd hoped to do since having all this time off work. But there is still time...


  7. err... that was me, but we're staying at our friend Laura's place, and I'm using her computer. And apparently her google-identity!

    Apologies for confusion xxxh