"Edited to Add"....

This started as a pregnancy blog when I fell pregnant in May 2009 after four years of finding a donor, doing all the counselling / paperwork / tests and trying.

And now, thanks to a 4WD which skidded onto our side of the road, killing our baby daughter at 34w and injuring me, my partner and two of my stepdaughters on 27 December 2009, it has turned into something else. We didn't want this something else, but apparently it is all we've got to go on with.

Monday, November 22, 2010

So so many things

There are so many things I've been wanting to say - mostly thank you so much for saying lovely things about our khallila (little darling) Z and her photo. I want so much more from that little face, but I know the hankering doesn't do me (or her) any good. "I love you just the way you are, my darling" - I guess that is the bit of parenting that I still aspire to - loving without being pushy, without wanting more.

Last week things kind of overtook me - more media around the sentence being handed down, then my step-daughter gave me a cold, and now that I'm feeling on the way to human again, there is an enormous pile of exam marking to be done. Mrph. But there are good things in there too, like finally deciding how we're going to spend christmas and new year and having to rush crazily to book ferries and accommodation, and pleasantly dithering over where I'll plant new little vegie seedlings, lovingly germinated from seed by my best friend. And, as always, a good amount of standing in the front garden staring at the full moon and one particular star, and getting weepy all over the pomegranate bush.

The sage flowers are finished, and the succulents are making pink plastic-looking blooms. This little cactus-y plant has a history - it came to us from the house around the corner, where six grown-up siblings were having a garage sale of their 92-year-old mother's house, where they'd grown up. We'd bought some furniture and pots and it was the end of the day, so they insisted on giving us all the left over plants. Their mother has dementia, and is now in a home, hopefully with some good plants around her.

El Prima is away on a work trip, and without her here to harangue me to bed, I'm aimless, pottering until far too late. After all my false hope of last month's TTC efforts, this month was decidedly low key - I was half surly about the whole process and the twisting effect it has on our hearts. So it was mainly grim determination, rather than hope, this month, and my body rewarded my cynicism with a 24-day cycle - sparing me the agonising over faux-symptoms and whether or not to test that those last days usually entail. Which means I'm booking another flight to Sydney...

This paper-thin year is nearly done. I had been sulkily refusing to acknowledge the existence of 2011 (what kind of ridiculous futuristic concept is that!) but we're heading steadily towards it regardless of my sulking. Please let it surprise me in a good way.


  1. Oh..... oh.. you :(

    My heart and soul just wishes it could come and hug you for all this.

    And you are so very, so very.... *fails to find words*- I hate being told I've been brave but I think you are amazing in your strength.

    2011. I keep telling myself it can't be worse. But the trouble is, I know it could.

  2. A 'paper-thin' year, what an apt description. I seem to have had a few of those recently. I hope that 2011 brings you lots of good things.

    You are right, that type of parenting that accepts and doesn't hanker for more is the type that I aspire too as well. Beautifully put and I hope your little Z knows, somehow, how very beloved she is. x

  3. The flowers are beautiful and the beans look delicious. I hope 2011 is a better year for you and for me, too. No guarantees, but here's to hoping. And thanks for your kind words and support over at my blog, it has meant a lot. xx

  4. I do the same wandering around into the late hours of the night without Leif to herd me into the bedroom when it is time to go to sleep. I'm hoping, right along with you, that 2011 has some good surprises in store.

  5. @ Merry - thank you. It was lovely to wake up & see your comment, so I think that counts as a virtual hug xxxh

    @ Catherine - fingers crossed 2011 is the opposite to paperthin - fat and solid and writhing with life! Glad it made some sense to you, both the year and the parenting. xxh

    @ Jenn - no worries - I'm sorry it's been so torturous lately.

    @ brianna - you too! I get so grumpy at having my pottering about cut short, but it is better not to be meandering around in the early hours. Thank god for Leif & El Prima, or we'd never get any sleep!

  6. Here's to 2010 ending with a bang, and surprising you in the end!

    And I am eyeballing those beans!

  7. i think a fabulous 2011 is in order for you.