This started as a pregnancy blog when I fell pregnant in May 2009 after four years of finding a donor, doing all the counselling / paperwork / tests and trying.
And now, thanks to a 4WD which skidded onto our side of the road, killing our baby daughter at 34w and injuring me, my partner and two of my stepdaughters on 27 December 2009, it has turned into something else. We didn't want this something else, but apparently it is all we've got to go on with.
(Image from here: http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2010/04/06/2865005.htm)
I've been hiding from the whole Christmas thing, and hiding my head here too. It has been a rough couple of weeks. The anxiety truck has hit me like I've never experienced before - building up from an incident a few weeks ago when I was driving and a car very nearly hit us head-on again, but swerved and didn't touch us, thank god. What is it about enormous silver 4WDs - I don't want to get paranoid, but they're all out to get me, aren't they? *insert crazy-lady face here* Normally, I'm pretty good at CBTing myself out of the anxiousness, but this time, I really feel like I dropped my bundle and wasn't actually able to function properly. I was so stressed that poor El Prima was being subjected to me grinding my teeth at night, and I was waking up with pain in my jaw and headaches. I had to ask work colleagues to finish some of my marking for me, cancelled a paper I was going to give at a small local conference, and took some sick leave (and antibiotics for a sinus infection).
Things have eased up now, but I think the extra stress of a near-miss, on top of working full time, TTC, and coming closer to the anniversary of our accident and losing Z was a bit much. With the warmer weather, and the winding up of the university year, it is so hard not to make the comparisons - one year ago, we were frantically packing, and in between I was going for swims in one of the most beautiful places I know. It was a busy, stressful time, but there was something amazing about moving through the saltwater while Haloumi did her own swimming within me.
Please excuse the big whinge. And now for the fun sequel to hiding - running away! Or, to be more correct, sailing away. El Prima, the girls and I are getting on a boat to Tasmania, to go and have a wild rumpus with the wombats.
(image from here: http://my-over-the-fence.blogspot.com/2010/11/wild-rumpus.html)
Christmas? What is that? We'll be rumpusing and white water rafting and beaching and camping, and hopefully eating copious amounts of tasmanian oysters, cheeses and wines.*
TTC? Oh yes, I feel like I've been running away from that too. I was in such a sorry state when I went up to Sydney for the insem that I didn't have much faith in my reproductive system, especially after a shocker 23 day cycle in November. So who knows, who knows? And better still, after months on the waiting list, we went to see the lovely IVF doctor who helped facilitate this fabulous miracle of a family , so I finally feel like I'm in capable hands. And if (as is likely) we are not jubilantly waving urine-soaked sticks in the air within the next week, then I'll be starting a prescription to begin an IVF cycle. Apart from being capable and lovely, Dr Lovely was also more than happy to fit in with our Tasmanian holiday plans, as he is around in January for a stimulated cycle. So it feels like we have a bit of a plan.
And then, the small matter of the 27th December - the date that has been hovering over my head like a 4WD half a second before impact? We'll look into its beady eyes and will remember what it felt like on the other side - to feel whole and unharmed and hopeful. We'll stand on a beach and tell little Z how much we love and miss her. I don't really know what we'll do, but we will be at this beach, and won't have to drive anywhere, and I'll have El Prima and the girls by my side, which is about as good as it gets.
(image from here: http://www.smh.com.au/travel/all-walks-lead-to-fine-wines-20090205-7ymn.html)
There may not be a lot of internet during the rumpus, so while I'm sure I can squeeze in a little post before we go, I'll get in early and wish you all good things for the season, and a happy & safe start to 2011. xxxxxxxx
* okay, yes, we will 'do' christmas, but it will be in a hut in cradle mountain, and will bear no resemblance to last years Christmas (which counts as 'best ever' christmas thanks to Haloumi, and thanks to my mum, brother, sister, dad and me and El Prima and girls all being in the one spot at the one time).
El Prima - my *ex* partner & aaineh number one. Yep, she's a lady. And so am I. Scandalous. Even better, she's Lebanese - and not just in a euphemistic way.
"the girls" - El Prima's two teenage daughters, Snacky & Snazzy, who live with us, and put up with my poor attempts at stepmama-ing. Her eldest daughter is 20 and living in another city. Snacky moved up to Sydney to study in Feb 2012 after finishing high school. Snazzy still lives with us (or at the house, with El Prima) and visits me and Ali where we are staying with friends,
Z - (aka Haloumi or khallila) our baby daughter, who died from placental abruption at 34w in the car accident on 27 December 2009.
Ali - long awaited little brother to the girls and to Z, born in May 2012
*edited on 13 July to add*
[where did my ticker go? It broke - I guess pregnancy tickers don't magically transform into "x days since our baby would hypothetically have been born, had she not died 6 weeks before" tickers. And I'm not sure I need a little program to tell me anyway.]
*edited on 11 Jan 2010 to add*
I think the reason why I'm leaving this ticker up here is because it is important to my mourning right now. We've had a funeral for our beautiful little girl, but in accordance with El Prima's faith (and my wishes) we will have a further, more public, ceremony around 40 days after she died. In some kind of wierd coincidence, 40 days was almost exactly how many days were left until her due date at the time she died. (I think that counts as irony of the saddest kind)
So while the significance has changed so radically, we are still counting down to something, even if it is not what we expected.
The fine print
I'd be a very bad lawyer if I didn't point out that everything I write here is copyright - please don't reproduce or borrow from it without my permission. Thank you!