"Edited to Add"....

This started as a pregnancy blog when I fell pregnant in May 2009 after four years of finding a donor, doing all the counselling / paperwork / tests and trying.

And now, thanks to a 4WD which skidded onto our side of the road, killing our baby daughter at 34w and injuring me, my partner and two of my stepdaughters on 27 December 2009, it has turned into something else. We didn't want this something else, but apparently it is all we've got to go on with.

Sunday, December 12, 2010


(Image from here: http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2010/04/06/2865005.htm)

I've been hiding from the whole Christmas thing, and hiding my head here too. It has been a rough couple of weeks. The anxiety truck has hit me like I've never experienced before - building up from an incident a few weeks ago when I was driving and a car very nearly hit us head-on again, but swerved and didn't touch us, thank god. What is it about enormous silver 4WDs - I don't want to get paranoid, but they're all out to get me, aren't they? *insert crazy-lady face here* Normally, I'm pretty good at CBTing myself out of the anxiousness, but this time, I really feel like I dropped my bundle and wasn't actually able to function properly. I was so stressed that poor El Prima was being subjected to me grinding my teeth at night, and I was waking up with pain in my jaw and headaches. I had to ask work colleagues to finish some of my marking for me, cancelled a paper I was going to give at a small local conference, and took some sick leave (and antibiotics for a sinus infection).

Things have eased up now, but I think the extra stress of a near-miss, on top of working full time, TTC, and coming closer to the anniversary of our accident and losing Z was a bit much. With the warmer weather, and the winding up of the university year, it is so hard not to make the comparisons - one year ago, we were frantically packing, and in between I was going for swims in one of the most beautiful places I know. It was a busy, stressful time, but there was something amazing about moving through the saltwater while Haloumi did her own swimming within me.

Please excuse the big whinge. And now for the fun sequel to hiding - running away! Or, to be more correct, sailing away. El Prima, the girls and I are getting on a boat to Tasmania, to go and have a wild rumpus with the wombats.

(image from here: http://my-over-the-fence.blogspot.com/2010/11/wild-rumpus.html)

Christmas? What is that? We'll be rumpusing and white water rafting and beaching and camping, and hopefully eating copious amounts of tasmanian oysters, cheeses and wines.*

TTC? Oh yes, I feel like I've been running away from that too. I was in such a sorry state when I went up to Sydney for the insem that I didn't have much faith in my reproductive system, especially after a shocker 23 day cycle in November. So who knows, who knows? And better still, after months on the waiting list, we went to see the lovely IVF doctor who helped facilitate this fabulous miracle of a family
, so I finally feel like I'm in capable hands. And if (as is likely) we are not jubilantly waving urine-soaked sticks in the air within the next week, then I'll be starting a prescription to begin an IVF cycle. Apart from being capable and lovely, Dr Lovely was also more than happy to fit in with our Tasmanian holiday plans, as he is around in January for a stimulated cycle. So it feels like we have a bit of a plan.

And then, the small matter of the 27th December - the date that has been hovering over my head like a 4WD half a second before impact? We'll look into its beady eyes and will remember what it felt like on the other side - to feel whole and unharmed and hopeful. We'll stand on a beach and tell little Z how much we love and miss her. I don't really know what we'll do, but we will be at this beach, and won't have to drive anywhere, and I'll have El Prima and the girls by my side, which is about as good as it gets.

(image from here: http://www.smh.com.au/travel/all-walks-lead-to-fine-wines-20090205-7ymn.html)

There may not be a lot of internet during the rumpus, so while I'm sure I can squeeze in a little post before we go, I'll get in early and wish you all good things for the season, and a happy & safe start to 2011. xxxxxxxx

* okay, yes, we will 'do' christmas, but it will be in a hut in cradle mountain, and will bear no resemblance to last years Christmas (which counts as 'best ever' christmas thanks to Haloumi, and thanks to my mum, brother, sister, dad and me and El Prima and girls all being in the one spot at the one time).


  1. A wild rumpus sounds fantastic. x

  2. The holiday season is so hard when you've lost somebody, I can't imagine how hard it must be when it's also the anniversary. I hope that your rumpus brings you the joy and happiness you deserve to be wrapped in. Or at the very least, a temporary escape. <3

  3. I have been thinking of you. I hope your wild rumpus restores some sense of joy to you & your household!
    Oysters, wines and cheeses sound like just the thing to enjoy right now.


  4. The rumpus sounds divine. I hope it's exactly what you need right now and I pray it brings much peace and relaxation.

  5. A vacation sounds exactly what you need.

    I'll be thinking of you and Z over the holidays.

  6. dr lovely - im a fan already. good work. sending kises. xxxK

  7. Good luck, good luck! I'm so happy that you are going away. Will be thinking of all of you on the 27th. Also, can't believe a 4WD almost hit you again. Jeez. So glad you're okay, and it didn't happen.

  8. i just clicked over from glow. i'm so sorry for the traumatic loss of your baby girl. i am also a loss mama with a grade-school stepgirlie at home. i haven't run across too many others in similar circumstances, so i just wanted say hello, and i'm out here. xo

  9. have a wonderful time! you need some distraction and forgetting right about now.

  10. Love your wild rumpus plans. Hope that you and El Prima have a peaceful holiday.

    I'm sorry to read about the near miss you experienced. That must have been terrifying and I'm not surprised that it acted as the 'final straw', it sounds as though you are doing a LOT at the moment.

    I like the sound of Dr. Lovely.

    I will be thinking of you and Z on the 27th.