Good strong knicker elastic is indeed what I need - the kind that keeps your favourite saggy pair going until the holes make them too rude to wear. Persistence and strength in its most domestic and vernacular form. Adzuki gave us a scare last night - bright red blood and a trip to the local maternity emergency department. Our fabulous midwife was there before the doctor saw us, and took us into the birthing centre to use their Doppler - and found that lovely swishy heartbeat straight away. (She seems to know everyone - I take that as a good sign) The bleeding eased off very quickly, and we had to hang around to see the doctor and for blood test results and an Anti-D shot with the biggest needle El Prima's ever seen (I wouldn't look at it!).
All that fear came flooding back - and we felt stupid for having already told so many people I was pregnant - as though we could have caused this just by having a little faith in the pregnancy. It's hard to shake, that feeling that everything is going to be ripped out from under your feet again. Who knows what will happen. There's been no bleeding since, and the fact that there was no pain accompanying the bleeding is, I'm told, a very good sign. I never had any bleeding with Z (even when the accident happened - that's one reason why I thought she'd be okay), and I'd dismissed the crazy scary bleeding back in March as related to that pregnancy being a blighted ovum that was tenuous from the very start. Somehow, with my obstetric history, I've preserved some image of myself as a healthy pregnant woman. But this pregnancy after loss caper is not for the faint-hearted. Good thing I've got some sturdy knicker elastic on my side.
Oh that's the last thing you needed. You're right, pregnancy after loss is hard enough as it is, without dreaded trips in to the emergency department. And yeah, ouch. The anti-d shots are awful. Had them all through three pregnancies. Ouchies!
ReplyDeletexo
your midwife sounds great -- i think it's certainly a good sign that everyone knows her.
ReplyDeletebleeding is terrifying under the best circumstances, and i can only begin to imagine what it's like for you.
if it helps, know that the bean sleeping in the next room had me bleeding every day for a month, for no reason anyone could ever figure out. although most of the things i read while panicking did not give this impression, in fact bleeding is very common. (not to say you shouldn't get checked out, just that it doesn't always -- or even mostly -- mean doom.)
I had a huge bleeding scare at 13 weeks with Owen, and all turned out fine. It's damn scary and I shake my fists at the universe for not making our pregnancies after losses just a piece of cake.
ReplyDeleteSending lots of love. xo
Bleeding is so fucking scary.
ReplyDeleteOur loss was so much earlier and different than yours, but I still spent the whole pregnancy with beeb scared to death. The whole time. And it didn't help that I bled on the exact gestational date that we'd found out about wallaby having died.
These darn kids, making their parents old before their time. ♥
I don't even know what to say. It's such crap that you have to deal with all of this, and you still remain a relatively upbeat person. You inspire me... stay strong. You are amazing.
ReplyDeleteArgh. Again. I'd be terrified. Gods, I've had nothing aside from the early 'not there' blip and I'm still terified.
ReplyDeleteHang in there - you both and Adzuki Bean.
i did not lose a child, just some cells, and the bleeding still scared the shit out of me. and now he's here and he's given us some scares outside too. being a mom is tough!
ReplyDeleteI have also developed a fondness for big undies. I never thought I would but there you go. So secure and comply. Je t'embrasse
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Thanks
Rachel