"Edited to Add"....

This started as a pregnancy blog when I fell pregnant in May 2009 after four years of finding a donor, doing all the counselling / paperwork / tests and trying.

And now, thanks to a 4WD which skidded onto our side of the road, killing our baby daughter at 34w and injuring me, my partner and two of my stepdaughters on 27 December 2009, it has turned into something else. We didn't want this something else, but apparently it is all we've got to go on with.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

F**K NO, Universe, you have to be kidding me

I've just found out that dear friends of ours living in France have just lost their little boy - he was just over 6 months old - to SIDS. He was due just a month before Z, and we were so excited when we found out that we were pregnant at the same time. He was born just before Christmas, and we saw the first photos of him on Facebook on Christmas eve at my dad's house - resting the laptop on my huge Z-filled belly.

And now he's gone - or is lying cold in a paris hospital, while K & N try and get their heads around the fact that their beloved first born son just will not wake up.

What is it about death, that it has to be so damn permanent and non-negotiable? There is no 'maybe' left, only 'never'.

So I hope his little spirit is somewhere warm, somewhere good. And that he might just bump into Z and make knowing baby eyes at her. "You too, huh?"


  1. thats just so sad, my heart goes out to them, they have a long and painful road ahead of them as we know too well. i'll be thinking of them and i hope they have good loving people around them to help hold them up at this terribly sad time, anne xxx

  2. Oh no ... i'm so sorry. So, so sorry.

    I came across your blog a month or so ago, and have been keeping up with you. It felt a little inappropriate back then to offer my condolences to you, and has since felt inapproriate to comment, and not offer my condolences. I wanted to let you know though, that your story stayed with me, and I wish you and your family more of the strength you have shown since December. x

  3. I have no words. I am so, so sorry.

  4. xxxxx thank you xxxxxx h

    I don't want to get myself into arguments about how unfair life is, but this really is a shocker.

  5. OMG. I am so sorry! This is not fair. Not fair, at all!

  6. ♥ I'm so sorry. I'm keeping your friends in my thoughts.

  7. Fuck no... that is so devastating. My heart goes out to your friends. I am so sorry. I hope that their loss doesn't redouble *your* pain, but that somehow you can lean on each other to make it through your unrecoverable losses more smoothly together. xo

  8. Oh damn, that just isn't fair. I am so very sorry and am keeping them in my prayers.

  9. Its such a shame that life won't give you a "pass" when bad things happen. You'd think, in all fairness, if you have gone through enough, you should be given a pass to just relax for awhile and be promised smooth sailing. But of course, life is rarely fair, but sometimes the WTF of it is truly amazing to me.
    Here's to babies and loved ones in a "fair" and good place, and that we may meet them again someday, someway, somehow.

  10. Oh, that's so sad. Poor little poppet. It just doesn't make any sense.

  11. Thanks so much for your beautiful thoughts.

    @Schroedinger - this exactly what we're struggling with - finding a way to lean on one another rather than to let this drag us back to the shock and darkness of those early days. But I think we're getting there.

    @Chris - exactly - a toast to all our loved ones lost, that we might see them again.


  12. I am so sorry for their loss. I will keep them in my thoughts.