"Edited to Add"....

This started as a pregnancy blog when I fell pregnant in May 2009 after four years of finding a donor, doing all the counselling / paperwork / tests and trying.

And now, thanks to a 4WD which skidded onto our side of the road, killing our baby daughter at 34w and injuring me, my partner and two of my stepdaughters on 27 December 2009, it has turned into something else. We didn't want this something else, but apparently it is all we've got to go on with.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Here we are now

Most of the shock has worn off now, and we're just doing the daily grind of grief. The sadness is still huge, but we have to live with it now, work with it, breakfast with it and somehow go on.

Every now and then I think of a new part of the accident I hadn't processed before - my dad coming to the hospital, and I was so bossy telling him to go straight to El Prima (in another hospital across town) - when he must have been so shocked. He and my stepmum had been having dinner with family friends, and of course he wasn't answering his mobile during dinner when my sister was trying to call him to let him know what had happened. She had to ring around the family until she finally hit my stepsister, who knew where they were having dinner and called the landline.

Dad came to see me and then El Prima, and my stepmum went to the Children's hospital to be with the girls. She stayed there all night with them, until they were released the next day. Snazzy drew a picture of it later - of her and Snacky in their hospital beds, with our stepmama on a campbed between them, and tears on all their faces.

It still seems insane that such a tiny quick little moment of impact can send such huge ripples of loss through all our lives.
Posted by Hanen at 7:33 PM

3 comments:

  1. NJune 2, 2010 at 8:37 PM

    Just a moment in time and everything can change. It's such a hard thing, and sometimes, I feel like I get so wrapped up in it that I can't be appropriately there for the moments that are going on. It does get easier, though. Not better. But easier.

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  2. KristinJune 3, 2010 at 5:42 AM

    Such a tiny moment changes things forever. Like N said, it gets easier to deal with but will always be present. You never "get over" something like this. You just learn to deal with your new normal.

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  3. HanenJune 4, 2010 at 5:57 PM

    N - yes - that's exactly what I mean - that so many moments are slipping past, each that could be just as significant as that big nasty one. As hard as it is to get my head around that big nasty one, it is gone now, and I need to tear my attention away from it so that I can attend to these moments right now. And there is the chance that sometime soon one of those moments might be as dramatically good as the big nasty one was dramatically bad.

    @Kristin - thanks hon - it is like a scar I guess - always there but less painful with time.

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