"Edited to Add"....

This started as a pregnancy blog when I fell pregnant in May 2009 after four years of finding a donor, doing all the counselling / paperwork / tests and trying.

And now, thanks to a 4WD which skidded onto our side of the road, killing our baby daughter at 34w and injuring me, my partner and two of my stepdaughters on 27 December 2009, it has turned into something else. We didn't want this something else, but apparently it is all we've got to go on with.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Blighted

This morning's scan showed not much more than Thursday's - the beginnings of a yolk sac, but nothing more, and the gestational sac itself was way behind the size it should be by now. This means (according to our doctor) that it's a blighted ovum, "though that doesn't mean there was anything wrong with your eggs", he added helpfully.

So what now? Wait to miscarry naturally, or a suction curretage to speed things up. Our doctor recommended the second option, because apparently for miscarriages after 6 weeks, they are often incomplete and require a curretage anyway. Gah. As my best mate put it, I want neither of these options.

I've cried so much today, and now it has peeled back into a white hot rage - at our stupid extortionately expensive clinic, my stupid body, our stupid car, every stupid f$#ing 4WD on the roads, the ridiculous car-dependent culture I live in and this stupid little thing that was persistent enough to stick around through all that bleeding, but not persistent enough to grow into a baby. And which is still making me nauseous and giving me sore boobs. It is a destructive, petulant, three-year-old anger and yet I can't throw enough things to satisfy it, and calming adult voices only infuriate it. I'm not a very nice person to be around at the moment, as El Prima has found out.

Please don't tell me any stories about blighted ova you have heard of that grew into lovely healthy babies - we've already put this scenario to our doctor, and with three scans, he is 100% certain that this one's going nowhere. That doesn't mean I'm taking his advice and booking in for the procedure. At the moment, the idea of bleeding my guts out is almost appealing.

48 comments:

  1. Anger and fury and gut-wrenching grief are about right, babe - this situation is beyond horrible. I reckon you should be smashing things if that's what makes you feel better, and so should El Prima. This is not the time to be calm and reasonable.

    Love you fiercely. x

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  2. I'm so so so sorry. That just sucks and you have every right to be angry. I'm thinking of you and sending huge hugs your way. xx

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  3. Hugs.

    It hurts so much to hope. And yet your heart will make you hope again. It will. I'll be thinking of you as this cycle concludes and you heal and move on.

    So sorry.

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  4. O I'm so, so sorry. Extreme level of shitness that is beyond words. Every right to be very, very pissed at anything and everything. Damm it all to hell. There is nothing useful that I can say except that virtual care and thoughts are being sent your way.

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  5. I'm so sorry. This is not fair at all. I'm angry at all those things for you too.

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  6. fuck fuck fuck!

    i am so sorry. i want to throw things on your behalf, too -- it could be an international affair. like hands across america, but with a broader scope and more cussing.

    what a shitty piece of shitty shitty luck.

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  7. Fuck. Unbridled grief and anger is totally acceptable. I'm so sorry Hanen. My thoughts are with you and El Prima as you get through this.

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  8. I'm so so sorry. :(

    With our miscarriage (past 6 weeks BY FAR), we chose medically-induced at home. I don't know if that's an option for you in Australia, but for me it was the worst of three really shitty choices. Much love to you.

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  9. Hanen, I am sorry can't say anything more helpful that "I'm so sorry"-- rage is a pure response to this pain. I hate that you have such pain after such hope. I hate it.
    I wish there were anything to take it away but stupid drag-ass time.
    Hugs to you & El Prima. What shite.

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  10. Hanen, that is the shittiest more awful thing. Don't even know how to comfort you and El Prima. Like a PP said... It is an international thong, this grieving for you :(

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  11. God, that's so fucking wrong! I am a thousand times sorry!

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  12. Oh honey, I remember the pain and anger and sorrow of those damned little things that stuck around but wouldn't develop. I am so sorry.

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  13. So sorry... ugh, where is the fairness of the world?

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  14. Oh sweetie, I am so, so, SO sorry.

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  15. Oh, sweetie. I'm so sorry.

    There is no justice in this world. If there was, you would have a baby.

    Rage is an entirely appropriate emotion at this moment.

    ((hugs and love))

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  16. I'm so sorry :(
    It's so unfair. Sending hugs xxx

    (I went for medically induced... it was horrendous in many ways but better than the other options. I'm so sorry you have to chose :( )

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  17. Hanen

    You deserve so much a baby, you have alL the right to feel rage.Take it out. Sending you a big hug.

    Mariana

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  18. This sucks big time. Your raw pain has me dripping all over the keyboard. Hang in there Hannah, you have an amazing lot of love and support coming your way. Life will get better.
    Sending you big love and hugs.

    Mama

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  19. I am so very sorry for your loss. And I wish I had something better to offer you or say. Thinking of you!

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  20. oh hanen, i am so, so sorry. rage away. sending much love. xo

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  21. Oh no! I am so sorry!

    This happened to us with my second pregnancy. It sucks because you have all the symptoms and none of the happiness. I waited a week after the second scan then had the "products of conception" (as they so lovingly called it) removed.

    ((hugs))

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  22. Oh Hanen, I am so very sorry. It is such a horrible situation. My second pregnancy was also a blighted ovum and I really felt that same . . .'BUT you got this far, you stuck around this long and now you're still going anyway?! What gives?' Oh I'm so sorry, it is just so very . . .defeating, disheartening . . just awful.
    For what it's worth, I was too frightened to go for a natural miscarriage and I had an ERPC. It wasn't as awful as I feared. But as you say none of the choices are fun. xo

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  23. I am just so so sorry. Crying with you. xo

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  24. Damn. Damn. Damn.

    Fucking sucks. I am just ~so~ sorry to hear the news. I was rooting for you so much. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Go ahead and be pissed off at the world. You deserve that much.

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  25. Oh dammit. Dammit.

    Hanen, I am so sorry. And very angry, too. In solidarity at the unfairness and the randomness and the ARGH of it all.

    You are in my heart and my thoughts, El Prima is too. Sending much love; and definitely no rational, calming, "adult" wisdom to share with you, because there is nothing to make this feel better right now. Instead, please know I am here, abiding. xo

    sarah

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  26. I am so sorry. I found your blog from the LFCA and was just diagnosed with a blighted ovum on Monday. Please feel free to send me a note if you want to chat. I hope that you are able to heal quickly as I hope the same for myself.

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  27. I'm so sorry. Blighted ovums suck donkey balls :( My RE did not give me the option of a D&C because I had so much uterine scarring from my myoectomy he didn't want to worsen it. Instead he prescribed medication to do it at home with a follow up US to make sure it worked. If you prefer to miscarry on your own terms at home, this may be an option for you.
    LFCA

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  28. So, so sorry. I found your blog through Angie's blog--sending big hugs and love your way.

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  29. I'm angry with you, you hit it right on the spot- wanting to bleed it all out. Sending you hugs and prayers.
    -Blighted ovum and LFCA sister-friend

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  30. No Hanen, I am not going to hand you rainbow stories on blighted ova.

    I am just here to offer a hug....this has been tethering for a while...and that when it did flip, it flipped for the bad.

    I am so sorry.

    XOXO

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  31. Hanen, I have been reading off and on since you first commented on my blog a while back. I hadn't commented yet, although now I wish I had, if for no other reason than just to say thank you for all of the kind thoughts you have offered. I have been in a bit of a grief coma--it comes and goes. Now, though, I just want to say how very sorry I am for all of this wretchedness you have had to endure-- it is all just supremely wrong and for the universe to continue piling on like this is just as wrong as it gets. Oh, I am just so sorry. Sending as much love, light, and strength as I can muster.

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  32. I am so very sorry for your losses (here through Angie). It's not bloody fair.

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  33. Oh no. Hanen, I was so sorry to read of your loss on Angie's blog.

    Sending much love to you and El Prima.

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  34. I am so sorry. I found your blog through Angie Still Life.. I just had another loss too, this weekend. 7 week miscarriage. We lost our first baby 11 months ago, she was stillborn full term, no cause of death. My heart aches for you. I am so sorry you're on the same awful path I am on, and many others. Its not fair. :hugs: But at least we aren't alone. Sending you all my love and strength.

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  35. Here from LFCA and wanted to let you know how incredibly sorry I am for you.

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  36. Here from LFCA ... I'm so sorry ... keeping you in my thoughts. *hug*

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  37. So desperately sorry. I know words are not enough.
    (Here via Angie at still life with circles).
    With love across the ocean.
    xo

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  38. Oh Hanen, I just got your comment on my blog. I had no idea you were in Melbourne as well. I can't believe I have only just found your blog, as I know of your story. I'd love if you could email me. My address is on my profile. I can't find one for you and I can't reply to your comment.
    With love, Sally.
    xo

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  39. oh sweetheart i don't get on here much at the moment but i wondered how you were going and i find such sad news for you. my ivf dr guy kept telling me it is a numbers game and you just keep on trying and eventually it will happen. i was just thinking of you and sally actually and in my thoughts we were sitting in some cafe having a lovely old chat, its not out of the question , sending huge hugs, anne xxx

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  40. hi anne, so lovely to hear from you - wish it were in happier circumstances. I'm still hungry to see more photos of your lovely Dot, and to hear how you are going. No, a real life lovely old chat wouldn't be out of the question at all - let me know if you are ever in melbourne. Meanwhile, yes, we continue the numbers game (my ivf doctor says that too - it must be in the textbook). xxxxh

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