"Edited to Add"....

This started as a pregnancy blog when I fell pregnant in May 2009 after four years of finding a donor, doing all the counselling / paperwork / tests and trying.

And now, thanks to a 4WD which skidded onto our side of the road, killing our baby daughter at 34w and injuring me, my partner and two of my stepdaughters on 27 December 2009, it has turned into something else. We didn't want this something else, but apparently it is all we've got to go on with.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

a little thought

Around the time of our second BFN last year, El Prima and I turned up to our local SANDS meeting (stillbirth and neonatal death support) to find that every other couple, bar the convenors, was pregnant, including the ones who'd only started coming the month before. Better still, I found out that the psychologist who had urged me to wait a year before trying to get pregnant again, was herself pregnant. Within a few days, we found out that other dear friends, who'd lost their child six months after we lost Z were pregnant. It was such beautiful news for them, but I found myself feeling stingy with the goodwill - it felt like I'd been patiently waiting my turn, and had suddenly realised that there actually wasn't a queue at all - everyone else was helping themselves. And for whatever reason, I just couldn't manage to do the same.

From where I am now - holding four positive tests tightly against my chest and wrestling with hope and fear over next week's scan, it is easy to say that there is no fairness, conception happens when it happens - it (like death) is one of the ultimate uncontrollables. But I know that was no comfort to me when the BFNs kept coming and I wondered whether I'd lost the only child I'd ever conceive (don't laugh - I'm good at melodrama).

So that means I'm very conscious that my moaning on about my uncertainty where at least it does seem that there is some tiny little embryo to be uncertain about for the moment may be hard for you. Feel free to read or not read as you see fit, but please know that with every step I am sending love and the biggest, beef-i-est wishes possible that everyone who is wishing for a BFP gets it soon. And any posts blathering on about psychosomatic symptoms or thoughts about this potential PLB will be helpfully prefaced by a *P*.


  1. *huge hug*

    That makes total sense, bella. I've felt like the most tactless friend in the world these past eight months. When Haloumi died my heart was so broken that I couldn't imagine getting pregnant myself, and then I did - and it just seemed so unfair. It still does.

    You deserve every glowing shred of joy there is to be had, my love, but it's okay to be overwhelmed by the uncertainty too.

  2. oh, sweetie.

    i don't think you have to apologize to anyone about your uncertainty. it IS uncertain and nerve-racking. it will take time to believe this is real. you have paid your dues of suffering in so many ways, so many times. immerse yourself in what you're experiencing now and don't let anyone begrudge you this.

    seriously, i may be small and pregnant and bad at fighting and far away on the interwebz, but i'll take down anyone who dares suggest otherwise.

  3. xxxxxxxxxx

    oh you are lovely, you are!

    Ping - is okay honey - I knew how badly you wanted this for me too, and you were actually thoughtful about how you talked about it. I just feel bad that I haven't gotten to know your little tenant in the same way you welcomed Haloumi, even from interstate.

    Pomegranate - thanks so much - so good to have you in my corner, dear. I don't think anyone would have a go - but I just don't like the thought that my little glimmer of hope could make someone else feel more bereft than usual.

    N <3 Oh I wanted so much to be sharing n's babyhood with Z's. I'm sorry I find it hard to look sometimes.


  4. Sending so many good vibes your way. <3

  5. i know, for me, when i was TTC, i never begrudged anyone who had paid their dues. it was the magical first-try BFPs or (even worse) the accidental pregnancies that had me feeling even bluer than usual.

    seeing someone who had been through the trenches finally get their positive always made me feel a little more hopeful for myself.

  6. This - it felt like I'd been patiently waiting my turn, and had suddenly realised that there actually wasn't a queue at all - everyone else was helping themselves. And for whatever reason, I just couldn't manage to do the same.

    Is EXACTLY how I have felt SO MANY TIMES over the past few years. Like when do I get my turn at the happy ending line instead of always being stuck over here in the crap ending line?

    Thinking of you and still hoping for excellent results on that scan. xx

  7. It's so tricky, Hanen, so tricky - the mix of emotions that show up at times like these. And I even find myself *still* feeling envious of others' bfps (even though I myself have just had one as well) because there's this weird sense of "well, it's obviously going to work out for THEM but not for ME." How's that for messed up? Really.

    Sending you much love, and hoping that little embie is still stuck away in there, growing fast and furiously.


  8. Pomegranate - thanks - on thinking about it last night, I think it is less about begrudging anyone their happiness, but more getting stuck in self-pity, and a feeling that you've been specially selected for "the crap ending" because of something inherently wrong with you. But yes, the self-pity is different depending on how hard the journey to a BFP has been for the people with the good news.

    Jenn - This is where the thought that life is suffering (for everyone, not just me, even if surface impressions at the moment don't reflect that) was bizarrely a very uplifting thought. I feel awful confessing to that, but I do find it easier to bear these hard things if I know everyone gets their share of suffering eventually, and it isn't just that I don't deserve the good life that everyone else gets. A mix of schadenfraude and 'we're all in this together' kind of thing. Thanks for good wishes and sending lots of the same to you!!

    Sarah - yes - sounds very familiar! Sending you good thoughts too xx