"Edited to Add"....

This started as a pregnancy blog when I fell pregnant in May 2009 after four years of finding a donor, doing all the counselling / paperwork / tests and trying.

And now, thanks to a 4WD which skidded onto our side of the road, killing our baby daughter at 34w and injuring me, my partner and two of my stepdaughters on 27 December 2009, it has turned into something else. We didn't want this something else, but apparently it is all we've got to go on with.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011


Not even a shadow of a second line.  Official blood test is tomorrow, so I really should hold off on the gnashing of teeth until then. 

And this... ?

This is the rock I found for Z's little garden.  I went rock-selecting last week at a landscape gardening supplies place, and as I wandered around the piles of slate and mountains of gravel I liked this one because I saw it as a little elephant shape - trunk down to the left, and feet standing strong. 

It's about a foot and a bit long, and maybe a foot tall.  Just big and round enough to hug, but too heavy to hold in your arms.  Woo hoo - so I can freak the neighbours out by hugging the rock in my front yard on a regular basis.  We're getting it engraved with Z's name and her birth/death date. 


  1. Oh, I am really sorry to hear this. I hope the blood test gives lie to the pee stick, but whatever the case know that I am thinking of you.
    Screw the neighbors and hug all you want...xoxo

  2. (((HUGS))) hoping for a different result tomorrow xoxoxoxoox

    and I love the elephant stone.

  3. well shit. i, too, hope this is yet another case of the pee-stick being wrong.

    that looks like a lovely rock for hugging.

  4. The rock is beautiful, I love the idea of the engraving (May I borrow it?). Luckily my memorial garden is in the back yard so I won't be giving the neighbors anything to freak out over. As for the rest, boo to negative tests. Fingers crossed for better results tomorrow.

  5. I'm so sorry there isn't a second line. I was hoping for different news.

    I love the rock and I truly LOVE the idea of engraving her name and stats on it.

  6. Bummer! BUT NICE Rock! Here's to freak'n out the Neighbors with rock hugging...kinda like tree hugging :) I love the mental image I got of you out front your house draped over your rock~ awesome.

  7. So sorry, H. Life is so god damn cruel sometimes. This is another one of those occasions.
    All my love to you.

  8. Hoping for a miracle. If it helps, this little bean must have washed about for nearly 10 days before it implanted. I know that won't help actually, what am I saying :(

    Lots of love and hugs.


  9. Can this new neighbour come and hug your rock too? It looks like the perfect rock, and I'm so glad you found it.

    Sending so much love to you for your blood test tomorrow.

  10. Thinking of you and Z and El P and the girls (and the pets?). All of you. We love you and miss you. Where will you put Z's rock?

  11. Oh no. I was also hoping for different news but I will save my teeth gnashing on your behalf for the official blood test.

    I absolutely love that little rock, sturdy little legs and trunk stooping tenderly down to the ground. Perfect for Z. x

  12. I will keep hoping for you till the blood test results are in.

    That may be the most huggable rock I've seen, especially now that you've shown us the elephant in it. Thinking of you, El Prima, and Z, and sending love.

  13. sorry hannah, i hate that it doesn't look promising for you, i really do.

    i do love z's rock though, i can see the little elephant and if i was your neighbour, i'd rather see you hugging a rock than yelling at a dog xxx lots of love, anne x

  14. Oh bugger. Bugger bugger bugger. I was hoping so much that this would be the one, as we all hope each and every time. Consider my hopes now transferred to the next little embryo that gets to snuggle inside you.

    I can't wait to see Z's garden! Maybe I can find something sweet to plant next to that beautiful rock.