"Edited to Add"....

This started as a pregnancy blog when I fell pregnant in May 2009 after four years of finding a donor, doing all the counselling / paperwork / tests and trying.

And now, thanks to a 4WD which skidded onto our side of the road, killing our baby daughter at 34w and injuring me, my partner and two of my stepdaughters on 27 December 2009, it has turned into something else. We didn't want this something else, but apparently it is all we've got to go on with.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Even Clare Bowditch can't make it better today.

I have an arsenal of things to make it better. I found some new weapons for the armory on Friday, when I discovered that the song I had in my head on Thursday, the rhythm which pushed me through the cross-examination and over to the other side was Clare Bowditch's modern day addiction. Please, go listen to it here, and tell me how good it is! The fact that she sang on Q&A makes it even better.

But as good as she is, she's not fixing me today, not on a monday, with a pile of papers to mark and a huge aching to know what my nearly nine-month old daughter's cheeks would have hypothetically looked like.

So I'm moving down the arsenal, next thing on the list. What is that? It is a toss up between chocolate and sitting in the courtyard waiting to see a blue wren or a red rumped grass parrot. Here's one for your benefit. They are more consoling in real life, I promise.

xxxh

Posted by Hanen at 7:11 PM

9 comments:

  1. SuzySeptember 19, 2010 at 9:45 PM

    Oh I adore that song. I know the aching, and my heart hurts for you. I know she would have been stunning.

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  2. HanenSeptember 19, 2010 at 11:01 PM

    thanks suzy. I think she would have been too (but it is even better when you say it!). All that dark curly hair. xxxh

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  3. JeanetteSeptember 20, 2010 at 12:05 AM

    Nine months is so very hard...well every month is, but nine months felt especially significant to me.
    x

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  4. nubreySeptember 20, 2010 at 8:04 AM

    try PJ, she helps me...

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E8ZE6XK89YA

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  5. dotalotSeptember 20, 2010 at 2:52 PM

    thinking of you hanen, i've not much to say right now but i am thinking of you xxx anne

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  6. Catherine WSeptember 20, 2010 at 3:09 PM

    It is good. I hadn't heard that song before.

    Hope the chocolate and the parrot helped a little. I'm so sorry for that horrible ache.

    Thinking of you. xo

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  7. HanenSeptember 21, 2010 at 4:57 PM

    Thanks so much lovelies. It is strange - there is no one thing that makes it easier, but there is a combined effect of chocolate, parrots, Clare, PJ, oysters, dumplings, kind thoughts from all of you, meandering weepy chats with good people, and soft cheeses with quince paste.

    All these things, and the way they are offered (with love) means that another minute can pass, and then another, and then somehow I'm stringing them together again, bridging the gaps between them once more. xxxxh

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  8. Flying MonkeysSeptember 22, 2010 at 11:41 AM

    I can't watch the video, it's blocked in my country. ??

    I would have opted for the chocolate and the courtyard. I hope you don't have as many gaps to bridge today.

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  9. HanenSeptember 22, 2010 at 11:52 PM

    Thanks Flying Monkeys - and sorry you can't share in the clare bowditch love. If you do a google search for her, maybe you'll find her? The song is "modern day addiction" - it is (appropriately) very addictive. I'm making mean looks at the gaps today xxxh

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