"Edited to Add"....

This started as a pregnancy blog when I fell pregnant in May 2009 after four years of finding a donor, doing all the counselling / paperwork / tests and trying.

And now, thanks to a 4WD which skidded onto our side of the road, killing our baby daughter at 34w and injuring me, my partner and two of my stepdaughters on 27 December 2009, it has turned into something else. We didn't want this something else, but apparently it is all we've got to go on with.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Here's my hope - squish it in your doctorly hands!

Okay, that is probably a bit melodramatic, but we're out of the baby-making game again for this month.

Yes, our clinic does allow you to take home frozen sperm for an at-home insem;
yes, they understand that trying again is a huge part of our emotional recovery;
yes, there would be enough sperm...
But no, you can't have it, because in order to use sperm for a take-home insem, the donor must have specifically consented to that at the time of donating.... Which in our case, was 2007, in Sydney, at a clinic with different policies where no such question was ever asked. So, no, we can't take our long-suffering sperm home for any insems this cycle. All the clinic options are out because they would only want to do a 'controlled' cycle so that they could trigger ovulation, because of our thawed sperm motility issues.

The 'good' news is that the doctors are happy to agree that I'm medically sub-fertile (rather than just willfully socially infertile in a lesbian way) - meaning we can claim a medicare rebate bringing the cost of IVF down from astronomical to just painfully extortionate. But before we're allowed to do IVF we need another counselling appointment and another appointment with a nurse who can tell us how babies are made. Just what we need. In a very different context, last week I met the CEO of the local qango which decides who is allowed to make babies without having sex and I had to restrain myself from breaking into the crazy-lady voice and ranting, "How many hoops exactly do you want us to jump through? How many?!"

But given that our donor, J, will be in the country next month, and is happy to make the interstate trip for a fresh donation, we're going to give that a go first. Dear Universe, it happened once. Please let it happen again. I just want that feeling of small knees and elbows tapping out a message, that warmth and potential. And I'd really like to finish the story this time - not with a memorial service, and condolence cards and a small amount of ashes falling through our hands, but with a new little voice crying and baby eyes which open and move. I have this sense that somewhere, Z has found her little sibling soul, and is whispering in their ear, giving them kisses and just waiting for us to get organised with all this fertility stuff. We're nearly there, my darling, nearly there.


  1. hello hanen, thanks so much for your lovely comments and support. i'm really sorry that you have been forced to wait again, i can only imagine how frustrating it must be for you both. its about time there was some standardised regulation across all states of australia regarding ivf. i certainly hope the qango people aren't going to make it any more difficult!!! glad to hear you are sub-fertile and can get medicare rebates ( said with an edge of hunour) it does make a difference. are you going to store some of j's sperm and also have a go at home on your own with him? buy a 10mm plastic syringe and get him to pop some in there its much easier to get it in there . you probably know such things lol . you will finish this story this time hanen....now all you need to do is to get started!, sending love, anne xxx

  2. I'd really love to come across the globe and kick some people in the balls.

    That is all.

  3. I'm with N, great idea! I really hope you get to feel those kicks soon, and that all ends well this time. x

  4. Damn, I wish those people would just let you get on with it. Good luck.

  5. I'll join N and Jeanette.

    I really hope that little sibling soul makes it way to you. I love your description of messages being tapped out. So beautiful.

  6. Ugh!! So many hoops.

    I wish you so much luck with the home insem with fresh sperm. That ups the odds a lot. Your last part made me cry about Z whispering to her sibling. Beautifully written.

  7. Anne - thanks so much - it is just crazy, isn't it! I think the trouble is that people TTC via ART/IVF are so exhausted after jumping through all these hoops that they can't bear the thought of lobbying governments to make a simple uniform law. And yes, thanks for the tips - we'll be buying a little plastic syringe and trying that way whenever our donor can visit from interstate at a suitable time. xxxxh

    Dear N, Jeanette and Catherine W - you'd be very welcome! You'd make a formidable posse. Thank you so much for your support. xxxxh

    Thanks Kristin - fingers crossed we get our timing sorted for the home insem next month. xxxh

    And dear E - thank you. I hope so! I just hope my body remembers that trick - at the moment just getting pregnant seems like a miraculous thing (which it is, really). xxxxh

  8. ugh. hope something good and easy happens soon sweet.
    xxx to you both

  9. I am continuously inspired with your strength and perspective.

  10. K - thank you darlin - you too. will pass that on to el prima xxxh

    RDR - thank you xxxh

  11. I feel like I've read, cried about and possibly commented on your blog before. I didn't have you on my reader, though, for some reason. In any case, thanks for the good wishes. I wish you all the luck in the world for your next attempt.

  12. Thanks Pomegranate - we're in melbourne, so if Oprah brings you down here and you get time off, we'd love to take you out for a beer. xxh

  13. Hi there. Thank you for stopping by and visiting my blog. You commented about bureaucracy and the need for some sort of exemption from it when you are grieving the death of your child. It is clear to see that you know too much about this topic and have suffered too much because of it.

    I am sorry that your daughter's life was so cruelly taken away from her and from your family. I can only imagine the frustration and anger you and your partner must carrying from knowing that this happened because of another person's stupidity.

    I wish you luck and that you are able to jump through those stupid hoops quickly and with agility. Hopefully very soon you will be feeling those tappings from elbows and feet.

  14. Hi Brianna, and thanks so much. I'm sorry you lost George, and that in your last little bit of time with him, you had to deal with university bureaucracy. Sending lots of good wishes for you & yours too xxxh