"Edited to Add"....

This started as a pregnancy blog when I fell pregnant in May 2009 after four years of finding a donor, doing all the counselling / paperwork / tests and trying.

And now, thanks to a 4WD which skidded onto our side of the road, killing our baby daughter at 34w and injuring me, my partner and two of my stepdaughters on 27 December 2009, it has turned into something else. We didn't want this something else, but apparently it is all we've got to go on with.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

I really need some happy news

Even if it isn't going to be my own this time.

This is why I am so excited about Dokkoon, the Indian elephant at Melbourne Zoo, who is currently 22 MONTHS pregnant and due to have her baby any day / week now.

(Image from here)

What do Dokkoon and I have in common?
- we both got pregnant via assisted insemination.
- we've both had ultrasound scans, but neither of us knew before the birth whether the baby is a boy or girl.
- we have been doing yoga in pregnancy to stay fit. :-)

But this is where I hope our stories diverge. I hope Dokkoon has a wonderful last few days/weeks of pregnancy, and that her birth is smooth and amazing, and that her little one is healthy and opens his or her eyes to see his/her Mama.

I wish the same for all of you who are pregnant now, and all of you who are trying or hoping to get pregnant. I know you may be worried about how news of your conception / pregnancy / birth / beautiful baby will affect me given our loss - thank you for being so thoughtful. Of course I wish my gorgeous girl was alive so we could compare notes on her birth, her development and the things she would have done to make us laugh and gasp with awe. Oh I wish for that so so much, and I live in hope that wherever our baby is she knows how much I long to kiss her and hold her and care for her. But I can't. Nothing you or I can do can change that.

But I really need some hope and good news to keep me going at this time. I am so sad my baby cannot be an earthly or internet playmate for your babies. But please let me weep some tears of happiness for you too - it is a nice change from my own sadness. Not every grieving mama will feel the same way, and indeed, who knows if my own feelings on this will change, but right now I gain a lot of comfort from hearing that others'pregnancies (even in some cases after some awful losses) are progressing well and that their babies are healthy. It gives me some hope that at some stage in the future, we might be able to share some good baby news of our own, although that is probably some time away for the moment. xxxxxh


  1. You are such a strong person. I'm in complete awe of you!

  2. So much love and care goes out to you. My mother brought a daughter to term who died during delivery and always told me that talking about her made it somehow better. My mom lived to see a baby boy two years from that, and it sounds like you've not given up hope. You are an inspiration of strength darling. If I come across some lovely news, I will be sure send it your way!

  3. you are just amazing possum, just amazing. sending you lots of mwahs and hugs and shared tears through the ether. xxxxxxxx

  4. You are amazing. Your letter was so strong, sad, touching, honest. You have the strength of a mama elephant in you already. Sending you and your family all my wamth and thoughts.

  5. Schroedinger - you couldn't give me a better compliment hon. I cried when Rima told me someone had made that comment - thank you.

    This stuff is so so hard, I need all the elephant strength I can get.

    Libberal - I think your mum is spot on. We can get through these things as long as we are not foolish enough to pretend they never happened. And I wouldn't ever WANT to pretend Zainab never happened - I'm so so proud of her but just so sad that we never got to lock eyes.

    N & Melissa & Lis - xxxxxxx back at you.

    ps Lis - we ate those apricots in about 2 minutes flat - if you are ever feeling over-loaded with apricots, you know we can always help out :-)