"Edited to Add"....

This started as a pregnancy blog when I fell pregnant in May 2009 after four years of finding a donor, doing all the counselling / paperwork / tests and trying.

And now, thanks to a 4WD which skidded onto our side of the road, killing our baby daughter at 34w and injuring me, my partner and two of my stepdaughters on 27 December 2009, it has turned into something else. We didn't want this something else, but apparently it is all we've got to go on with.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

What happened

is still so raw and new that we are wrapping our heads around a new bit of it everyday. And also failing to wrap our heads around, and howling at that failure and our loss and the fact that our daughter will never open her beautiful eyes to see the people who love her more than anything. Here is an offensively inaccurate version of what happened which was on the front cover of a tabloid newspaper. This is my response to it:

Letter to the Editor

Eleven days ago I was 34 weeks pregnant and driving home with my defacto wife in the passenger seat and my beloved stepdaughters in the back seat. A 4WD came onto our side of the road and hit us. We were all badly hurt but our baby daughter died in my womb from the impact. My defacto wife (I can’t call her my wife because in this country we cannot marry) and I had spent nearly four years getting to know our sperm donor, undertaking tests and trying to get me pregnant using assisted conception (fortunately we did not need IVF). When the Herald-Sun reported the accident and our loss on 28 December 2009, (“LOST IVF ANGEL”), it mistakenly called her my “sister-in-law” and referred to my stepdaughters vaguely as “two children”. Many people reading your article must have been wondering about the relationships between a pregnant woman, her sister in law and these two children who were all hurt in the one car. I just need to clarify – we are a family. My defacto wife (what a clunky phrase that is) and I lost our little girl, and our big girls lost their baby sister. I don’t want our family to be invisible – we have enough pain and injuries to deal with at the moment.

Name & Address withheld

But in this wierd strange movie which is apparently now my life, the most genuine and real thing is the love we have felt around us from family, friends, and also people who may not know us in real life but have very real compassion for us (or worse, have been through equally heart-breaking things themselves). It is huge, and we feel so warmed by your love but at the moment we are still so broken – physically, and in our hearts, that we can’t respond to all the messages. I am out of ICU (yay), out of the Trauma ward (yay), and in Rehab. I hate being here – but am doing my best to heal and learn how to do basic things so I can get home and be with my beautiful girls and do the rest of my healing there. Rima & girls are out of hospital (yay!), but there are still various stages to go.

We will never ever be the same after this. I could never have imagined that the Haloumi who kicked and hiccuped inside me could be such a beautiful little baby girl. I am so proud of her and so so heart-broken. I am so thankful my beloved Rima and girls are safe. Thank you for your thoughts and love.


  1. ♥ ♥ ♥ If only love and peace could be sent through the post. I'm so sorry again.

  2. You are in my thoughts constantly. I can only imagine your anguish. I know your family has been shattered by the loss of Haloumi, and I only hope that your loss has brought you closer and stronger than ever. May your love be as big as your grief.

  3. I have been thinking about you and your family, wondering what really happened and how you are all doing. It just breaks my heart to think of what you went through and that you have more to deal with in terms of injuries sustained.
    Thinking of you and sending you love.

  4. I wish I could send you virtual strength to get through this difficult time. I'm so sorry that that tabloid made your family invisible. Good for you for sending a letter to the editor, amidst everything else you're dealing with.

  5. I have no words for you, other than I am so sorry. I cannot imagine your pain. I am glad you spoke up and corrected the newspaper. What a moronic incompetent piece of misinformation.

    My heart and thoughts are with you all.

  6. I don't think words can even begin to heal or ease your pain. I don't know you but feel compelled to let you know you are not alone and I am so sorry to hear of your loss and what you are going through. Thinking of all of you.

  7. I hope you get home to your family as soon as possible, and that your physical recovery at least is as smooth as could be hoped for. My heart still bleeds for your loss. I am so sorry that the stupid Hun made such a cock-up of the whole thing - as some of the other commenters have said, good on you for setting them straight.

  8. I was so sorry to hear that the terrible story in the papers is your family. So sad to hear you lost your beautiful girl. We don't know you but my family sends you our love and thoughts xxx

  9. My heart broke for you when I saw the news. I'd heard about you through a mutual friend (Penny) and had been following your blog with excitement for you. I am so sorry for your excruciating loss; I hope time and the love of your family bring you comfort and eventual healing.

  10. I am so so sorry. There are just no words. I am glad you wrote that letter to the newspaper, they deserved to be corrected. Our family is thinking of you. xoxo

  11. Unbelievable. Awful enough that you've experienced such a tragedy with your injuries and loss of your daughter - but to add to it the insensitive words written to describe your beautiful family.
    We are thinking of you and sending you love & peace.

  12. Hoping you have a rapid recovery and regain all your former health. Your courage and strength in replying to that rubbish article is so admirable.

    I think of you daily and send all your beautiful girls so much love.

    love owlie

  13. i was going to say almost exactly what owlie said. your strength is profoundly impressive.
    xx the twinkle's mums.

  14. We are so very sorry that this has happened to you and your family. We really have no adequate words to do justice to the gravity of this tragedy.

    We are thinking of you all.

  15. Im so sorry, for not just your loss, but that you have to add the clunky defacto in your description.

    May peace find you. And may there be justice both for your lost baby daughter and for you to be given the right to marry.


  16. I just came over here from Cecily's blog. I am so terribly sorry for your loss. Please know that you, your wife and all three of your daughters are in my prayers.

    Julie in the US

  17. Hannah, I live in the same country as you. I read about the dreadful accident in the paper, yet came to your blog via Mels Lost and Found.

    Words escape. You, your wife, and your daughters are in my thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry this has happened; there is just no sense to be made.


  18. I'm here from Uppercase woman. I wanted to say I am so very sorry for your loss. I'm also so sorry that you can't get married in this country yet and I hope that will change.

  19. Cecily published the e-mail you wrote to her today, which is how I started reading your blog.

    First of all: I am so so sorry your little girl didn't get a chance to get to know you, and for you and your family to be denied getting to know her. I know what it's like to be waiting for a baby to finally arrive after years and years and I can't imagine what you're going through right now.

    Secondly, being from The Netherlands but having lived in Melbourne in 2006-2007: how I wish your beautiful country would give you and your wife the same rights married couples have. How I wish for you to be a legal mum to your older two children and how I wish for your wife to be able to be your daughter's mother without all kinds of procedures.

    Thinking of the four of you.

  20. As everyone has already said - words do not adequately express the pain you feel, nor do they bring the comfort we (the others here in cyber space who have walked a similar road) would want to extend to you. I'm so sorry for your loss. (I'm here because of Cecily posting your email to her.) While each of our stories is different, know that you aren't alone. There are so, so many of us who have lost our precious angels. Not that that makes it any less painful. But I think it helps to know that you're not alone. I'll be thinking of you and praying for you, Rima and the kids.

  21. I am here after reading Cecily's post and your letter. There are no words in this world to express how sorry I am for your family's loss. My thoughts and prayers will be sailing across the world to you all. May you feel lightness again.

  22. I'm very sorry. What a difficult thing.

  23. I too am here after reading Cecily's blog and then yours. I am holding you and yours in the light and sending you love. The whole world lost beautiful Halloumi and I am so sad for her loss.

  24. found my way here through cecily's blog. i also sufferred a placental abruption (mine at 37 weeks and, most likely, due to blood clotting disorders that i was supposedly "treated for" during my pregnancy).

    i always knew that we were incredibly lucky that our precious baby girl and i were both unharmed after such a traumatic delivery, but its stories like yours that make me look at her in amazement all over again.

    life is so amazingly fragile. strength like yours is so amazingly inspiring. my heart breaks for you all. my thoughts are with you.

    wishing you peace,

  25. Came over from Cecily's blog. So very, very sorry for the loss you and your wife have suffered.

  26. Dear Hanen,

    As a team member of Grieve Out Loud I was directed to your blog.

    I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I know the pain must be unbearable. I cannot believe how unfair and tragic that accident was. I am so, so sorry.

    Please know that I am mentally giving you a huge hug and I am holding you in my heart.

    With love,

    Sarah xoxo

  27. I'm so sorry. My deepest sympathy to you, Rima and your girls. My heart breaks for you and your little Haloumi who never got a chance to see the family who love her so very much.