"Edited to Add"....

This started as a pregnancy blog when I fell pregnant in May 2009 after four years of finding a donor, doing all the counselling / paperwork / tests and trying.

And now, thanks to a 4WD which skidded onto our side of the road, killing our baby daughter at 34w and injuring me, my partner and two of my stepdaughters on 27 December 2009, it has turned into something else. We didn't want this something else, but apparently it is all we've got to go on with.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Adzuki Bean

Once upon a time, on that other planet I lived on before our baby died, I was an ordinary pregnant lady who had a little bit of an obsession for red bean buns.   I loved them so much that I had long conversations with El Prima about why I loved them so much, and why Haloumi demanded that I eat them on a regular basis.  I googled "red bean bun" so that I could discover their principal ingredients.  Because if I wasn't eating them, I wanted to be reading about them.  And I discovered that the red bean paste is made from beans called (by some cultures at least) "adzuki beans".  El Prima and I mused, if we ever had another haloumi cheese after this particular Haloumi Cheese was born, maybe we'd nickname him/her "Adzuki Bean" in utero. 

That thought just floated, until our accident happened, and Haloumi died and was born - and was suddenly a real particular baby girl we named Z, rather than a Haloumi mystery baby-bump.  Well, she was still a mystery baby - but one whose face we'd kissed, and who we had given a name.  One of the few things we liked to think we knew about her was that she liked red bean bun and wanted me to eat it all the time.  So the idea that she had somehow 'picked' the nickname Adzuki Bean for her sibling became very tender to us.  

All of this is a long round-a-bout way of saying - we saw a heartbeat this morning - we've seen the Adzuki Bean!  The whole 5.5mm of him or her!  A copy of the picture is posted on the page I've just set up, specifically named "Adzuki Bean".  Our usual IVF doctor was away, so it was a doctor we'd never met before who started by asking, "Is this your first?"  (Cue a deep sigh from me, and a joint internal eye-roll, before El Prima launched into the answer) But once we'd told her, she was very sympathetic, and as soon as she started the scan was immediately saying, "Everything looks fine".  At first, I couldn't see anything in the sac, and didn't really believe her, thinking we might only see empty sacs and blighted ovums.  But she insisted, and there, indeed, was a tiny little adzuki bean, a promising little blob, with its own thumping heartbeat. 

It is strange to be back in pregnancy territory, with the same symptoms as with Haloumi, but with a body and a self altered by grief and motherhood.  It is hard to believe that pregnancy could possibly work along a similar timeframe, or work in the same way as it did before.  But while we'll always live with the chasm between 'before' and 'after', we're no longer in the wild woods of griefland.  (Where are we then?  Maybe we've found that grief has its own village, not all that far from where we lived before, and that as it turns out, many of the people we love have been a resident of that village at some time or other.)  All the possibilities bundled into a pregnancy - I now know how many of those can break your heart.  But this is the thing with possibility, you can't pick and choose.  All we can do is recognise that we're at the mercy of all kinds of good and hard possibilities, and we'll experience whatever we get as open heartedly as we can.

There's such a long long way to go, but stick with us, Adzuki Bean, this could be so much fun!

22 comments:

  1. I love little adzuki bean! What a lovely name for a lovely little guy/gal. So excited for you that you saw the heartbeat. What a tremendous feeling that is to see a heart flickering away, knowing that a tiny person is growing.

    When I was pregnant with George we were living in a part of Los Angeles called Koreatown. In Korea they have these fish shaped pastries stuffed with adzuki beans called Bungeoppang. They are served hot and the outside is crunchy and salty. There was a grocery store down the street from us that made them fresh and we would walk over there and buy 3 for a dollar every couple of days. I craved them.

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  2. What a sweet, beautiful post and a wonderful way to honor Z during this pregnancy. I hope we get to see a lot more of Adzuki Bean.

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  3. I love the name. The reasoning behind it is so beautiful! Yes olease stick around Adzuki Bean!!!!

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  4. "Where are we then? Maybe we've found that grief has its own village, not all that far from where we lived before, and that as it turns out, many of the people we love have been a resident of that village at some time or other."

    This line, this moment in your writing is stunning...and so, so, true. So happy for you--and glad to have you as a neighbor in this village.

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  5. Oh Hanen,
    I have been hoping and waiting for this moment...I am so happy for you and your adzuki bean.

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  6. Such hopefulness! Isn't it wonderful how it can work its maagic on your heart? I love his/her nickname! TOO cute!

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  7. WONDERFUL to read this today.... congratulations on this milestone. I had my final embryo transfer today - 2 embies - so I will also remember this day. I sure hope we have the same joyous outcome!

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  8. Congrats on the h/b! I'm so happy for you. Grow, Adzuki Bean, grow!

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  9. Oh my! That scan pic is amazing, I'm so pleased things are going well. Adzuki bean is such a cute litle name. x

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  10. yahoo!! how exciting - and scary - i know that mix well.

    hugs and lots of sticking/growing vibes xxxxxx

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  11. So happy to read this. Go little Adzuki bean go xo

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  12. Sending lots of love and all my hopes that this beautiful Adzuki sticks around. xoxo

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  13. Yay!! Great news, I am so thrilled for you! xx

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  14. OMG, I am teary reading about your BFP. Holding you and your family close during this time, go Adzuki Bean go!

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  15. "It is strange to be back in pregnancy territory, with the same symptoms as with Haloumi, but with a body and a self altered by grief and motherhood."

    Yep, that's just it. So happy for you guys.
    xo

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  16. Such a huge moment for you all. So very happy, and praying with all I have in me that this baby comes home with you safe and sound next year :)

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  17. Love to you all. Hope all is well!

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  18. Checking back in after a long hiatus, Hanen, and so, so happy to read this news. Thinking of all of you, and love to your little bean.

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  19. just catching up on this hanen!!! congratulations i obviously had no idea!
    i already love your little red bean bun and i will most certainly be sticking with you, this is such wondrous news to come upon, truly marvelous xxx anne, harvey and dots mum xxx

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  20. A bit late to the game, perhaps, but amazing amazing. ♥

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  21. Hanen - any updates? how are you feeling??

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