"Edited to Add"....

This started as a pregnancy blog when I fell pregnant in May 2009 after four years of finding a donor, doing all the counselling / paperwork / tests and trying.

And now, thanks to a 4WD which skidded onto our side of the road, killing our baby daughter at 34w and injuring me, my partner and two of my stepdaughters on 27 December 2009, it has turned into something else. We didn't want this something else, but apparently it is all we've got to go on with.

Monday, February 14, 2011

10 dpo

I had a very vivid dream that El Prima and I were in a truck with two blokes. I was driving but it was very difficult to see because for some reason, the driver's seat was behind the back seats of the cab, and the truck was up so high. The two guys were sitting in front of El Prima & I - their heads were in my way, so I couldn't see the road. I was trying to drive along a narrow driveway in a fancy apartment complex, but I missed and the truck went crashing off a cliff. We all got out, but the truck hit other cars, and one of them rolled over El Prima. I was so distressed, but she crawled out from under it and was okay. I didn't see what happened with the two blokes - they ran away.

(Still talking about the dream) El Prima and I were running away - we thought we'd get in trouble for damaging other people's cars. The apartment complex was a very fancy, retro style one. Apparently my great aunt lived there, so we ran into her apartment and grabbed two yellow towels. As we were trying to sneak out, there were lots of people walking in - saying hello to us and being friendly - and I felt terrible and duplicitous because I was smiling at these people but also trying to run away because I had just caused a catastrophe, which they were about to discover. Better yet, someone complimented us on the towels, which I'd just stolen from my own great aunt.

Then, in that half awake time, after the alarm had gone off but before our brains had started working, I thought (in this order)... it is Snacky's birthday (my stepdaughter) ... it is the 15th... our egg pick up was on the 5th... so that would mean we are now 10dpo, and I can test... because I'm sure I'm pregnant...

So good old lizard-brain convinces me to test. BFN. Not a shadow of a line. El Prima thinks we tested too early. I know friends have seen a faint line at 10dpo. But this result is probably correct.

I pushed and got myself to work, but now I'm here, I just want to run away. I know there is no running away from this. After we lost Z, I was so confident in my status as 'pregnant woman' that I was sure it wouldn't take long to be that again. And I think part of the bargain with myself about doing IVF was that it would be "easier". Less of these heart-breaking bfns. A 40% chance each try rather than a 10 or 20% chance. But 40% still isn't all that much. In legal terms, it wouldn't even get you a win on the balance of probabilities. But (here's what I tell myself) this is the nature of the beast. Trying to make babies is a big game of uncertainty. I know all that but I still find this so hard.


  1. many, many hugs.

    and a firm reminder that 10 dpo really is too early, especially with ivf (when, supposedly, implantation can be later). yes, i know people who saw lines on that day, but i also know babies who weren't lines until 15 dpo or later.

    waiting is awful. no doubt about that.

  2. Ahh hang in there. 10DPO really is very early to test. I agree that IVF bfns are the worst - I just had one myself :(. May you soon see double lines....

    did the clinic manage to freeze the other 3??

  3. Oh H. I want so much for it just to be too early. And the percentages! Yes. I can remember drawing good old pie charts to really try to get a handle on the odds of success.

  4. Thanks so much. I suspect that lizard-brain might have me peeing on a stick again in a few days...

    Claire - Sorry to hear about your IVF bfn - bugger. And I mean that in a much more heartfelt way than 'bugger' seems fit to convey. Yes, at least the clinic were able to freeze the other three successfully - so we've got those up our sleeve.

  5. Shoot-10dpo is early to test. I never had a BFP that early, any of the three times I've been pregnant. It's tough waiting it out, but at this point, there is just as much chance that you ARE pregnant as there was before you took that test. Many good wishes and pregnant hopes...

  6. Too early, TOO EARLY. Those who've seen things at 10dpo (or earlier) are the exceptions to the rule.

    <3 Many many hopes that a line comes to fill that void.

  7. I am so sorry if it's a BFN, but I had a negative test at 12 DPO with Lil C's pregnancy (when it's supposed to be 93% effective according to the marketing).

  8. oh hannah. but as everyone else is saying, 10 days is awfully early...i'll be crossing all my extremities that the hcg was just a little too low to show up on the test. and if it is a BFN, we're just round the corner for cups of tea and hugs.

  9. (and if it's a BFP we'll be round the corner for cups of tea and hugs too!)

  10. TOO early!!! I barely got a shadow of the faintest line at 12 DPO. Just recently, a friend didn't get a faint line until 14dpo! I will be keeping my fingers crossed for you in the next few days for a BFP!

  11. happy bday to snacks. cakes? party? send my bday cheer.

    im sure you both looked sporting in your yellow towels, how nice you got a compliment! Even if you did steal them - i think you should be pleased about that (i could not pull of a yellow anything...)

    for what its worth i tested at 12days and saw nothing and then lines were there at 15....

    Also I made the calculation (an attempt to calm the evil stat beast) - a 40% chance each time gives you a 87.04% chance of getting one YES in 4 tries....

    big love

  12. Hannen

    I know. And nobody has ever experienced uncertainity until you loose someone that was so close to be part of your earthy life.

    The big uggghh is when you realize that even when you are 31 weeks pregnant you still know that is not for sure that you are taking that baby home.

    It is all about waiting and having patience and be up to surprises...I know this is a lot for us who have been waiting for so long.

    I wish you the best and in my case in one of my pregnancies the test appeared negative for many days, it was nausea that revealed my real status.

  13. Just to add another voice to the chorus, 10 dpo is very early.

    It so very uncertain and knowing that doesn't make it any easier or less heartbreaking. xo

  14. Here's to the test results a couple days from now!

  15. Ach :( I'm testing negative along with you atm. Want this for you.

    Now, this will make you laugh or never speak to me again. I've been reading your blog for ages. Yesterday I happened to look at your (perhaps new, perhaps not) bio and I went.... oooooh, THAT'S why she uses donor sperm and her partner is called El PrimA. I'm so bloody slow ;)

  16. Oh, I hate those stupid BFNs! But, as others have said, 10 dpo is early. Wondering what might be popping up on a test, now? Thinking of you. xx

  17. 10 dpo is really too early. my bfp from the cycle that worked was 12 dpo and it was a barely perceptible squint-in-the-light kind of line.

    i'm thinking of you and hoping the coming week brings some good news.

  18. Nubrey - thanks - will say happy birthday to snacky for you :) We actually had a beautiful dinner out for her, and she seemed thrilled with my improvised "timtam cake" (ie a woolies chocolate sponge cake with timtams plastered all over it). And thanks for the heart-warming calculation - I love having a scientist on hand for these things!!

  19. Merry - hilarious! Not slow at all - of course it seems obvious to me, but now that I look at the website, it isn't really at all. Just wish we were both getting positives at this point. xxh

  20. 10 days is too early for most people. Don't lose heart. Hoping and praying the scary dreams stay away and you get some happy news soon.

  21. I remember that after I lost my first baby at 20 weeks I also felt that I would have an easier time getting pregnant again (I also did IVF). Alas, I had an incredibly hard time, with several chemical pregnancies, smashed hopes, and a five transfers later...so tedious. I hope it is easier for you, but man, I learned one has nothing to do with the other.