"Edited to Add"....

This started as a pregnancy blog when I fell pregnant in May 2009 after four years of finding a donor, doing all the counselling / paperwork / tests and trying.

And now, thanks to a 4WD which skidded onto our side of the road, killing our baby daughter at 34w and injuring me, my partner and two of my stepdaughters on 27 December 2009, it has turned into something else. We didn't want this something else, but apparently it is all we've got to go on with.

Monday, February 7, 2011

where did it go?

It has been a big week, but in amongst the cyclone drama, being 'harvested' and taking a little embryo on board, something went missing.

All that bravado, energy, confidence (and along with it, my ability to concentrate and engage at work) is just gone. I was feeling so sparkly and amazing a week and a half ago, now not so much.

I hardly feel fit for walking down the street, let alone having a 'collegial' conversation with my workmates (not that I see them all that often). I spent much of yesterday in bed, and my inclination would have been to stay there, if I didn't have to work for a living. I'm not in that much pain anymore, but I still feel zapped. And while it is nice to hide under a doona for a while, I know that no one else can do the hard bits, no one else can live through this - but the thought of doing it myself feels impossible at the moment.

Thanks so much for all your beautiful good wishes. I feel like a big grumpy ingrate to be morose after all that. But just imagine how much lumpier and grumpier I would be otherwise!
Posted by Hanen at 1:56 PM

13 comments:

  1. dotalotFebruary 8, 2011 at 12:38 AM

    hi hanen, lump and grump away hon, it has been a big year for you and you are now carrying more than just cells, hopes and dreams take their toll on emotions and being emotionally exhausted makes doona's sound great ( so does being pregnant, but i didn't want to state the obvious lol) .... oops , i just did! sending love and hoping the exhaustion is for a very good reason xxx anne

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  2. NFebruary 8, 2011 at 5:11 AM

    <3

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  3. JennFebruary 8, 2011 at 11:00 AM

    I feel somewhat the same - did well last week, was feeling good and then all of a sudden took a turn for the worse. Thinking of you and sending hugs, hoping we get the lumps and grumps shaken out soon. xx

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  4. Ya ChunFebruary 8, 2011 at 3:37 PM

    I imagine you're just tired - drained physically and emotionally. I think the hormones and the procedures just wear you out. Take it easy, especially on yourself!

    take care of that growing little blastocyst.

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  5. AnonymousFebruary 8, 2011 at 3:38 PM

    You can't be 'up' every day; you'd be an unhuman freak if you were. It happens - some days are worse and that's just what they are. You don't need to make it worse for yourself by expecting too much from yourself.

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  6. Mom2005February 8, 2011 at 5:52 PM

    Hi Hanen

    I have no words, just a big smile and the best wishes for you.

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  7. E. from Pot o' GoldFebruary 8, 2011 at 9:54 PM

    Blame the hormones, and be kind to yourself. :) Hope the 2WW flies for you.

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  8. nubreyFebruary 9, 2011 at 3:55 AM

    you can only do what you can do....i think you need to sneak a doona day in....

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  9. HanenFebruary 9, 2011 at 12:37 PM

    Thanks lovelies. I think the mood turn-around just shocked me a bit, but I think Tasiver's right - you can't be 'up' all the time. I'm going gently, and looking forward to a proper doona day on friday!

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  10. And So It GoesFebruary 9, 2011 at 5:46 PM

    Thanks for stopping by my blog. Your comment was encouraging and so it your results. We hope to have just 1 good quality as we also are wanting to really limit the possibility of twins (to the extent possible). So, I am holding out hope that with 6 current ones growing we can make it to at least 1!

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  11. briannaFebruary 9, 2011 at 8:53 PM

    "but the thought of doing it myself feels impossible at the moment"

    Yup. Uh-huh. Absolutely get this. Be grumpy, it is ok. Because sometimes it does feel entirely impossible to go through. But...you can do it and you aren't really alone in all this.

    Hugs.

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  12. AnonymousFebruary 10, 2011 at 2:30 AM

    Best wishes for a successful cycle.

    (here from LFCA)

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  13. PomegranateFebruary 11, 2011 at 4:25 PM

    hormones are hormones. it would be more strange if you weren't on an up-and-down ride.

    thinking of you and hoping for a BFP soon...

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