This started as a pregnancy blog when I fell pregnant in May 2009 after four years of finding a donor, doing all the counselling / paperwork / tests and trying.
And now, thanks to a 4WD which skidded onto our side of the road, killing our baby daughter at 34w and injuring me, my partner and two of my stepdaughters on 27 December 2009, it has turned into something else. We didn't want this something else, but apparently it is all we've got to go on with.
I was doing so well getting comfortable with uncertainty (ha ha), and then I got a text from my sister-in-law. The cyclone we thought would miss them is now heading almost directly for Cairns, where she lives, with my brother, and with my mum nearby. It has been upgraded to category 5 - which puts it in the ranks of hurricane Katrina. My brother was at sea (he works on dive boats on the great barrier reef), but thankfully, he got back to shore last night, and is now holed up in their Cairns apartment with mum and my sister in law.
There are lots of comforting thoughts I can have - that theirs is a cyclone-proof building, recently built, that they are on the second floor, with lots of mattresses up against the windows, water, food, and phone and internet access (for now). But I'm so scared, and the anxiety I thought I had just got a grip on is back with a vengeance. Those little budding follicles don't need the extra stress hormones though, and really, there is nothing to do but wait and see what happens with this storm.
El Prima - my *ex* partner & aaineh number one. Yep, she's a lady. And so am I. Scandalous. Even better, she's Lebanese - and not just in a euphemistic way.
"the girls" - El Prima's two teenage daughters, Snacky & Snazzy, who live with us, and put up with my poor attempts at stepmama-ing. Her eldest daughter is 20 and living in another city. Snacky moved up to Sydney to study in Feb 2012 after finishing high school. Snazzy still lives with us (or at the house, with El Prima) and visits me and Ali where we are staying with friends,
Z - (aka Haloumi or khallila) our baby daughter, who died from placental abruption at 34w in the car accident on 27 December 2009.
Ali - long awaited little brother to the girls and to Z, born in May 2012
*edited on 13 July to add*
[where did my ticker go? It broke - I guess pregnancy tickers don't magically transform into "x days since our baby would hypothetically have been born, had she not died 6 weeks before" tickers. And I'm not sure I need a little program to tell me anyway.]
*edited on 11 Jan 2010 to add*
I think the reason why I'm leaving this ticker up here is because it is important to my mourning right now. We've had a funeral for our beautiful little girl, but in accordance with El Prima's faith (and my wishes) we will have a further, more public, ceremony around 40 days after she died. In some kind of wierd coincidence, 40 days was almost exactly how many days were left until her due date at the time she died. (I think that counts as irony of the saddest kind)
So while the significance has changed so radically, we are still counting down to something, even if it is not what we expected.
The fine print
I'd be a very bad lawyer if I didn't point out that everything I write here is copyright - please don't reproduce or borrow from it without my permission. Thank you!